Lord of the Key Rings
by Faerlas
Summary: What if the people in the LOTR had cars, and had rewritten the scripts for revenge on the scriptwriters? The King has returned, and so have some other people... COMPLETE CHAPTER 7 REWRITTEN
1. Fellowship of the Key Rings

_What if the people in the Lord of the Rings had had a script and a vehicle and characters started acting uncharacteristic? Well..._

**_Half a League_ _Parodies presents _**

**THE LORD OF THE KEY RINGS, THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE KEY RINGS**

We start out in the Shire. Frodo has been told by Gandalf that he must leave and take the ring to Rivendell. So the departure date comes and Frodo and Sam pack their bags, grab their scripts, and head out to the Shire's parking garage to get Frodo's Chevy Cavalier. (Uncle Bilbo really was a bit stingy.)

"Come on Sam, I'll drive!" Frodo says as he unlocks the front drivers side door. Sam gets in the front passengers seat and they pull out.

"Now Mr. Frodo, according to the script we are suppose to skip the Old Forest and Tom Bombadil, " Sam begins to say before he is interupted by an "oh man" from Frodo. "I really wanted to see Bombadil too!" Frodo laments. "Sorry for interupting you Sam, keep going." Sam just smiles assures Frodo that he didn't mind the interuption then continues.

"We skip the Old Forest and Farmer Maggots house, we are going to have to go around the cornfield and pick up Merry and Pippin on the far side of it."

"Isn't that where the drop off is?" Frodo asks.

"Yes, that's why we're going to take the road past the Green Dragon down to the road where you are suppose to meet the Ringwraith."

"Are we going to meet him?" Frodo asks.

"Yes. He's going to be waiting for us." Sam answers. Sam then continues telling Mr. Frodo their itinerary until the time they get to Bree. Once again, Frodo laments the loss of certain characters. They picked up Merry and Pippin and ended up having a friendly chat with Ringwraith number 3, who was driving a black viper by the way, and discovered that he was as sad about the loss of Tom Bombadil as Frodo was.

The four hobbits made it to Bree in excellent time and there met Aragorn. They spent the night in Bree as the script said to and quickly exchanged the necessary dialogue. They got the boring dialogue out of the way then the four hobbits starting pestering Aragorn with questions about Arwen.

"So Aragorn," Pippin began. "How long have you been going out with Arwen?"

"Have you kissed her?" Merry asked. Before Aragorn could answer either question Pippin said, "I'll bet he has!"

"Under the moonlight I'm sure!" Merry teased.

"When Elrond wasn't looking!" Pippin added in loud tones.

"That's enough!" Aragorn shouted as he covered both hobbits mouths. Frodo and Sam nearly fell over laughing at the frightened faces of Merry and Pippin as his big hands clapped over their mouths. The hobbits and Aragorn made the beds for a diversion like the script called for then spent the night in another room. The Ringwraiths came, slashed the beds as they were suppose to, then decided it would be fun to steal the tires off of Frodo's Cavalier. When Aragorn and the hobbits woke up the next morning they were really ticked off that they had done this. Aragorn cried, "This means war!" then preceded to go car shopping. (Aragorn drove a motorcycle at the time) The only thing Aragorn could get a good deal on in such short notice was a full sized Ford van from Bill Ferny's Ford. After filling up several extra gas cans (there were not many gas stations between Bree and Rivendell) they drove off towards Rivendell.

Part way to Weathertop Frodo started asking Aragorn whether it was truly necessary for him to get stabbed by Ringwraith number 1. Aragorn assured him it was so they stopped off there, the Ringwraith stabbed Frodo, then Frodo got back into the van. When they reached the place of the stone trolls, They camped out until Arwen showed up in a silver corvette.

"Hello Arwen. Nice wheels!" Aragorn said when Arwen got out.

"Hi Aragorn! Where's Frodo?" Arwen asked.

"Over here." Aragorn picked up Frodo and put him into the passengers seat. In elvish he added, "Drive Fast, and don't bother waiting for me, this van can't top seventy-five miles an hour."

Aragorn changed his mind when looked at Arwen's car. "Let me drive him to Rivendell." Aragorn pleaded.

"No, let me, must keep to the script you know!" Arwen said as she got into the car. Right before she sped off she added, "Besides, I'm the better driver!" then sped off. Aragorn gave her a dirty look that she just laughed at in the rear view mirror.

Arwen and Frodo made it to Rivendell in record time. All nine Ringwraiths were drown and their cars wrecked in the flooding of the river. Elrond healed Frodo and Gandalf showed up and told Frodo that he had car problems in addition to being taken captive by Saruman.

The Council of Elrond was coming soon and Gandalf and Elrond stood on the porch, exchanged the necessary dialogue, then watched the people ride in. Boromir drove up in a red mustang. The elves pulled up in a Mercedes SUV, and the dwarves appeared in a Hummer. They started the council, hastily read through the dialogue from their scripts, and assigned people to the fellowship. The fellowship then now had to decide what vehicle to take. They couldn't take the van, it only sat seven, all the other vehicles were needed to take their relations back home, so they were at a loss of what to do. In the end it was Elrond who suggested that they wait till spring, and take his extened cab Ford F-250 and have everyone alternate between the cab and sitting in the truck bed. Everyone really like his idea until he looked into the future and saw spring would be too late. So, they put the cap on the truck and left just as the last leaves were falling from the trees.

Gandalf was driving, Aragorn was riding shot gun, Merry was in between them, and Frodo, Sam, an Pippin sat in the back seat. Legolas, Boromir, and Gimli sat in the back. Legolas was not happy in the slightest about being stuck there and when they stopped so the crabain of Dunland could spot them, Legolas was brought up to the passengers seat, Merry and Pippin were put in the back, and Aragorn sat between Frodo and Sam in the back seat. They continued on until they got to Moria. For sake of time, and because the truck wouldn't fit down most of the passages, they dropped Gandalf off at the gate.

"Bye Gandalf!" They all shouted. Aragorn tossed Gandalf his script as he walked to the drivers side of the pickup truck. Aragorn hopped in the drivers seat, Legolas took the front passengers seat and Boromir sat between Merry and Pippin. This time Frodo and Sam were in the back with Gimli. As they pulled away from the gate Frodo turned to Sam and said, "You know, I'm glad that we have scripts! The Bombadil and Glorfindel losses were worth me not getting speared by that stupid cave troll!"

"You can say that again Mr. Frodo! That cut wasn't going to be fun either I'm sure!" Sam heartily agreed. They gave each other high fives.

"Well, not seeing Balin's grave is a loss to me, but missing that Balrog definitely makes up for it!"Gimli added with a laugh. When Gimli saw that Kheled-zaram was not in the script he crawled up to the sliding window in the back of the cab and knocked on it. Boromir opened it and asked in annoyed tones, "What do you want?"

"I want to ask Aragorn if he will stop at Kheled-zaram so Frodo and I can see it, if that's not too much of a problem for you Master Boromir!" Gimli snapped back. Aragorn had heard Gimli's request and shouted back, "OK!"

So they stopped at Kheled-zaram and Gimli, Frodo, and Sam got out and looked at. A few minutes later they got back in the truck and headed off towards Lothlorien.

Everything was fine until they reached the Nimrodel. There was no bridge, but their was a sign. It said, "NO MOTORIZED VEHICLES BEYOND THIS POINT".

"Well everyone, get out!" Aragorn said. The Fellowship climbed out of the truck. Legolas looked at his script, and said, "This stinks! I practiced that Song of Nimrodel for four months just so I could sing it, and then they go and cut it out." Aragorn walked over to him and put his hand on Legolas's shoulder.

"Don't worry, they cut out the Song of Tinuviel I was going to do ! It took me twenty-seven years to get it right, just for this movie, then they go and cut it out!" Aragorn sympathized with Legolas. The whole Fellowship crossed the river and waited for Haldir. He was late, so they all started reading their scripts. Almost all of them had had some song or long anticipated piece of dialogue cut out. Merry and Pippin however, had several songs added. Everyone else thought the whole thing was incredibly unfair and decided that something had to be done!

Just then Haldir and a few elves with bows came running up.

"Sorry we're late! Don't worry about your truck, the Lady will have my brother Orophin drive it back to Rivendell." Haldir said. He put a stern look on his face and added, "Come with me!"

He led them to Caras Galadhon. They climbed up the long stair case, exchanged the necessary dialogue with the Lord Celeborn and the Lady Galadriel, then had a large supper in the tree tops. They knew that a large supper wasn't in the script, but they figured if the writers could cut out all sorts of stuff, then they could add a meal. Before they left the Lady Galadriel said, "I hope you all enjoy our lament for Gandalf, we've been working on it for months! Now, if you look around the corner you'll find a twisty slide that will take you down to where your beds are." She turned to Aragorn and Legolas and added, "Make sure the hobbits go last, or you will squash them."

"Will do Lady Galadriel!" Aragorn said with a nod.

"Oh, and before I forget Aragorn, Arwen sent me a message." Galadriel handed him a letter with a seal on it. Aragorn opened it and Merry and Pippin tried looking at it. They couldn't see over or under his arms so they stood next to him, one on either side, and Pippin began in a high voice, "Dearest Aragorn, I love you I love you I love you!"

"I miss your strong arms holding me when daddy isn't looking!" Merry added in his own high voice.

"I must go, daddy is coming! Hugs and kisses!" Pippin said while batting his eyelashes.

"Love your sweet little..."They said together until they were cut off by Aragorn's big hands being clapped over their mouths. Legolas and Gimli looked at each other and smiled devious smiles.

"You are a wicked elf Legolas!" Gimli whispered.

"Well, I owed him from the dinner party incident." Legolas whispered back.

"What happened?"

"Well," Legolas bent down to start whispering what happened but pulled himself abruptly upright and declared, "You smell!" then added quietly, "I'll tell you later." He then went down the slide. Aragorn went down then the four hobbits in a train. They didn't wait long enough to leave however and landed on top of Aragorn.

Later, while Frodo was off looking in Galadriel's mirror and Sam was sulking about him not being able to look in it, Legolas took Gimli off to tell him about the dinner party incident. The Fellowship's stay their was drawing to an end. Haldir came back to visit them and told them that they were to take boats down the river, and then rent a car once they made it to Rohan. A few minutes later Galadriel and Celeborn appeared and gave them gifts, ignoring the dialogue in the script, and doing it by the book.

"They may have cut out my song, but I'm cutting it back in!" Galadriel said as the elven minstrels began to play. She did a wonderful job and everybody started clapping when it was over. The Fellowship then got in the boats and rowed away.

The journey down the Anduin was relatively boring considering all the stuff that was cut out of the book. So we shall skip to Tol Brandir. Boromir was not at all interested in attacking Frodo, nor was Frodo in favor of being attacked so that sped talked through the dialogue.

After a nice picnic with the rest of the Fellowship, Boromir flagged down two nice Uruk-hai named Rupert and Alfred, and convinced them to carry his boat down the falls while he blew his horn. In exchange for carrying the boat, they would be given non-maggoty bread which should last for more than "three stinking days" along with a pound of salted pork for each of them. They gladly accepted the offer. Frodo and Sam said good bye to everyone and took their boat across the river to the eastern shore. Merry and Pippin were taken by the Uruk-hai like the script said but unlike the script they were hauled around in little red wagons, and Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli sat around for a while drinking miruvor that Aragorn had swiped from Gandalf before he went into Moria. Once they decided the time was come to follow, they stood up, fell over, stood up again, then ran off.

THUS ENDS THE FIRST CHAPTER, THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE KEY RINGS IN THE LORD OF THE KEY RINGS.


	2. The Two Towers of the Key Rings

**LORD OF THE KEY RINGS, THE TWO TOWERS**

Frodo and Sam find themselves on the eastern shore of the Anduin. They drag their boat on shore and as they start pulling their packs out they realize that they have no vehicle.

"Well, we're in a fix and make no mistake!"Sam exclaimed, "We're going to have to walk to Emyn Muil! Maybe if we're lucky they'll have a hummer rental place in a few miles."

"I wouldn't count on it Sam. I've heard Emyn Muil is impossible to drive through." Frodo replied discouragingly.

Frodo and Sam walked on and found themselves scrambling amongst the rocks. They found a nice place to sit and review their scripts.

"Look here Sam! I don't have to fall flat on my back! I love this script!"

"Yes, I'm growing quite fond of it myself!" replied Sam. They crawled on for a while then Gollum appeared.

"Hello hobbitsesss! Don't tie us up fat hobbit! We promissssse we won't hurtsss the masster! At leassst until we getss to Mount Doom," Gollum hissed.

"Glad we got that out of the way! I wasn't looking forward to tying you up!" admitted Sam.

"As long as we have your word, we won't distrust you a bit!" Frodo said.

"Good!" Gollum said. "Now letsss go!" The hobbits and Gollum headed out towards the Dead Marshes.

They reached the bottom of Emyn Muil and found much to Frodo and Sam's delight, the Last Alliance Swamp Boat Rental. Frodo and Sam went inside and inquired about renting one. A few minutes later they were walking out the door with the keys to a swamp boat. Gollum was steering and Sam was look out for any sticks that might be sticking up out of the marsh. They crossed the marshes in excellent time and soon found themselves walking to Mordor.

"Wait a minute!" Sam cried, "We should check the script before we go trudging all the way to the gate."

"Good idea Sam!" Frodo said. They checked their scripts and saw that they could skip the gates all together and head north. They looked north and saw the Last Alliance Swamp Boat Return and Car Rental. "What luck!" Frodo exclaimed. Sam and Gollum stayed behind as Frodo went in to explain that they wanted to trade in their swamp boat for a car. In a few minutes Frodo was driving towards them in a Jeep. Sam and Gollum got in. They made their way to where Faramir was, exchanged the necessary dialogue and kept going. They made their way to Cirith Ungol, exchanging the necessary dialogue as they drove by each place.

Merry and Pippin were enjoying their time, over all, being hauled in little red wagons. The bumps were kinda rough, but it was much better than being carried. When they reached Fangorn Forest, Merry and Pippin snuck out of the wagons and into the forest while the Uruks were singing karaoki. Ugluk would have spotted them if Grishnakh hadn't suddenly shouted out, "You're lip-syncing!"and pointed at Snaga.

"I am not you lier!" yelled Snaga. Instantly a fight broke out and curses, scripts, and knives were everywhere! Merry and Pippin gave each other a high five then proceeded to walk into the forest. They had no ropes to cut to leave as clues, but since they had been riding in a little red wagons, they had had plenty of time to create signs that said "WE WENT THIS WAY" and propped them up against trees as they went along. Unfortunately, they only made three, and soon ran out.

As they were walking through Fangorn Forest Pippin turned to Merry and said, "Why weren't the Uruk-hai in vehicles? Every body else is!"

"Didn't you read the foot note on page 187 of your script? It says that they can't drive because there are too reckless. You don't want a bunch of accidents do you? Besides, they're destructive enough without them!" Merry explained.

"True." replied Pippin.

They ran into Treebeard, and had a much friendlier meeting than the script called for. You see, Grishnakh wasn't in the mood to be squashed by an Ent, so the hobbits weren't chased and could casually meet Treebeard.

Merry and Pippin knew that Treebeard would take a very long time saying anything, so Merry said, "Don't worry about saying anything Treebeard, we've already read it all in the script!"

"Good!" Treebeard replied, "It does take such a long time for me to say anything. Want some Entwash?"

"Sure!" they said in unison. After drinking their fill, Treebeard and the hobbits went to the Entmoot. It was decided that instead of wasting time talking, they should just read the dialogue from the scripts. That took quite long enough. Soon the Ents were going off to fight Saruman.

After they trashed out Isengard, the whole lot of them sat around drinking Entwash, and waiting for Gandalf to show up.

Now, For Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli. If you remember, got up to follow, fell over, then got up again. It took them a few minutes to get the trees to stop spinning, but once they did, the three were running off after Merry and Pippin.

They were running without stop until Gimli saw in his script that they didn't have to find the hobbits.

"WAIT!" Gimli shouted. Aragorn and Legolas came running back to him. "Look at this!" Aragorn grabbed the script from him.

"Hey! We don't have to chase after those hobbits! The script says that we find them later at Isengard. Sweet! In that case, why don't we just look for Eomer? I know where Eomer's cousin gets killed. We wouldn't get there in time to save him, but we would get there faster and save time."

"Yeah, sounds good to me!" agreed Legolas. So the three changed their direction and started running. They still had to stop for the night, however. When they did, something strange happened. Aragorn sat down. "OUCH!" he exclaimed!

"What is it Aragorn?" Legolas asked.

"I sat on a book!"Aragorn replied as he held it up. The light was failing, but he was able to see the black letters on the white cover. "Charge of the Light Brigade and Other Tennyson Classics." He opened it up and started reading. "Half a league, half a league..." he muttered to himself. Legolas and Gimli just looked at each other and wondered why they had never heard of the Charge of the Light Brigade.

"I really like this!" Aragorn exclaimed then started reciting it. Legolas and Gimli were becoming very concerned about Aragorn.

All the next day Aragorn recited it to himself. "Aragorn!" Legolas yelled while they were still running.

"What?" he yelled back.

"Stop reciting that poem! You are scaring Gimli and me!" shouted Legolas, then added, "Why aren't we driving!"

"Sorry! It's just such a good poem! And we aren't driving because we have to get cars from Eomer remember!" Aragorn shouted back.

"Oh yeah! Forgot!" Legolas shouted back.

The more Aragorn had a brilliant idea. He put it out of his mind though when he saw Eomer cruising over the plains in a red mustang convertable.

"Hey Eomer! It's Aragorn!" Aragorn shouted. Eomer saw him jumping up and down and waving his arms and came driving over.

"Hey Aragorn! You got here early. Listen, I'd love to stay and chat, but I really must get my cousin home. He's mortally wounded you know."

"I read as much." Aragorn replied.

"Aren't these scripts great! Well listen, We got two spare cars now that are difficult to tow in this hilly terrain, do you want them?" Eomer asked.

"Do I ever!" answered Aragorn with a very giddy look in his eyes. So Eomer threw a set of keys at Aragorn and a set at Legolas. Suddenly, Aragorn found himself looking at a black, 2005 Mustang. "SWEET!" Aragorn exclaimed. Legolas found himself looking at a blue Mustang GT. He just nodded his head with a huge grin on his face. Inside he was jumping up and down like a young elf getting his first bow and arrow set. Gimli didn't really like sports cars. He thought they were too small and dangerous.

"Well I won't lie to you Legolas, I prefer a solid truck or SUV or Jeep to be in. But I'll consent. You elves have quick reaction time. They got in their Mustangs and drove away. Now incase you are wondering, they were not off-roading in Ford Mustangs. They had smooth, well maintained dirt roads in Rohan. (They hadn't figured out asphalt yet.)

Aragorn and Legolas sped off towards Fangorn Forest to meet the new and improved Gandalf. They drove to the border of Fangorn and saw that the road ended. They got out and Gandalf came striding up to them out of the forest.

"It took you guys long enough! I was becoming quite tired of listening to that old ent ramble on!" Gandalf snapped.

"Nice to see you too!" Aragorn replied. "Do you have a car, or do you want to drive my loner from Eomer?"

"I have a car. I sweet car!" Gandalf grinned. He pulled out a key ring, held up a key, and walked over to a large rock.

"A rock?"Aragorn asked.

"No! Just watch!" Gandalf said. He grabbed a chunk of it and pulled it off. Underneath of the "rock", which was just a cover, was a white Lamborghini Diablo. Aragorn's jaw dropped and Legolas said, "Now that's a sports car!" Even Gimli had to admit that it was a fine piece of machinery. Gandalf got in, stuck his head out of the window and said, "Try to keep up! We're going to Edoras!" Gandalf sped off in a cloud of dust.

Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli jumped in their cars and followed Gandalf before he became a white speck on the horizon. While Legolas started catching up he saw that his license plate said SHADOFAX. Legolas just laughed.

They made their way to Edoras. They parked their cars in the parking garage just inside the gates. The four climbed the streets to the Golden Hall, and were stopped at the door.

"HALT! You four must leave your weapons at the door." The guard commanded.

"We left our things in our cars." Gandalf said.

"You missed one!" the guard said.

"Which one?" Gandalf asked.

"Your staff."

"You're kidding me! You know that it's in the best interest of Rohan and Middle Earth that I have my staff! Or didn't you read the script!" Gandalf snapped in his typical fashion.

"I did! Well, okay I didn't! But it doesn't matter! Grima said..."

"Grima! Well that means nothing to me!" Gandalf said as he barged past him into the hall. The guard decided he didn't want to stop a determined wizard so he just sat down on a chair.

Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli walked into the hall. Gandalf cured Theoden who gave him many thanks. Theoden kicked Grima Wormtongue out of Rohan and Gandalf informed Theoden that the armies of Isengard were going to attack Rohan. While Gandalf and Theoden were reading to each other from their scripts, Aragorn and Eowyn were talking.

"Now, Aragorn, I know I'm suppose to have a thing for you, but I just don't!" Eowyn admitted.

"That's a relief!" Aragorn said. "Arwen told me she wasn't happy about us when she read the script."

"I figured as much. For sake of the script, and the book, I think we should still read through our dialogue together." Eowyn suggested.

"Yes, we probably should." Aragorn agreed. "Um... Eowyn, since I don't have to pretend I like you, could you tell me what that soup is made out of that you serve to me later?"

"Frankly, I don't know. Theoden makes it!"

"Really?"Aragorn exclaimed.

"Really. Doesn't it taste horrible?" Eowyn replied. They continued on with delightful conversation for a time until Gandalf called for them.

"Ok my friends, we are headed off to Helms Deep!" Gandalf announced.

"YES! To the mountians!" Gimli exclaimed!

In a few hours every able bodied man that could fight was assembled in front of the gate of Edoras. The women and children left first in charter buses, and the warriors soon followed. The buses made everything a little easier for the people at Helms Deep that had to find a place for all those people. It also saved the King and his men from having to deal with the wargs.

Theoden was driving his bus like a mad man. Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, and Theoden's guards were in it. When the bus finally stopped they all ran out screaming "LAND! LAND!" and started kissing the ground the minute they hit it.

Gandalf drove up, got out and said to Theoden, "You are the scariest driver I've ever driven behind!"

Aragorn followed it up with, "You are never driving me again!" Theoden just looked at them with a bewildered face and said, "Well, Eomer had always told me I was a bad bus driver. Don't worry, from now on I'll only drive my car."

There was a pause. Everyone just stood around looking at each other blankly for a moment. After a few moments the silence was broken.

"Theoden," Gandalf said, "I have Eomer and his men parked just around the corner. When dawn comes I'll lead out a charge and we shall drive the forces of Isengard into a creepy and mysterious forest that is going to appear."

"Where do you see a forest?" Theoden asked.

"On page 276 of my script. See?" Gandalf pointed to it on the page. Theoden looked at it and said, "I see I see."

"Well, I must be off. I'll see you guys at sunrise!"

"Bye Gandalf!" Theoden, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli said in unison.

Everyone got themselves arranged and prepared everything for the attack. Having scripts they saw that they needed to block up the sewers.

"No, wait!" Legolas said, "Let's hide some elves down there. When the Uruk-hai try to get in there, we'll shoot them. We could put some of your troops down there as well Theoden. The enemy would never suspect it! If we kill the one that tries to light that weird round thing, we might be able to use it against them!"

Everyone just stared blankly at Legolas. They thought he was suppose to be Captain Obvious. At least, that's what the script made him look like.

"Wow Legolas, we never knew that you were so smart." Aragorn said.

"Well, the script writers made me look stupid because of the dinner party incident." Legolas replied.

"The dinner party incident!" laughed Aragorn with a smile. "That was fun!"

"Sorry to break up your reminiscing, but there is one thing wrong with your plan Legolas, you're the only elf here." Theoden said.

"Look at your script!" Legolas said. Theoden read it and saw that a host of elves were suppose to appear. Almost the minute he was done reading it, they came marching up.

"Hey Haldir!" exclaimed Aragorn.

"Hey Aragorn! Hey Legolas!" Haldir said. "Where should we go?" he said asking Theoden.

"Don't look at me, look at your kinsman Legolas. He's got a brilliant plan for you guys." Theoden said.

Legolas and Haldir went off and got into position. Night came early, and so did the Uruk-hai. A furious battle ensued and thanks to the terrific planning of Legolas and Theoden, the losses on their side were much less and the loss of Uruk-hai were great. Some time in the early hours of the morning the Uruk-hai tried putting those bomb like things into the sewers. The elves slew the carriers of it and the Uruk-hai with the torch. The elves grabbed the torch and the bomb like things and put about twenty elves in front of the ones carrying it and fought their way a good deal into the Uruk-hai lines. The set the bomb thing down, and started running back towards the wall. Haldir turned around and threw the torch into it and it blew up.

When the sunrise came, Gandalf and Eomer led the way! They appeared from a hidden car tunnel just outside the wall of Helm's Deep and they all started driving. The Uruk-hai, unwilling to be ran over, started running towards the mysterious forest. When the last one was in they all got out and congratulated each other. Haldir survived the night, and led his kinsmen home.

Everyone got back on the buses and drove home. This time Aragorn drove and Theoden rode. When they got back to Edoras, everyone got in their cars and sped off towards Isengard. They reached it in good time, Gandalf and Saruman exchanged the necessary dialogue, Pippin found the Palantir and gave it to Gandalf. Knowing what would come of his looking into it, he decided not to, but still rode with Gandalf. Aragorn told Legolas he better take Merry. (He didn't want anymore questions about Arwen) It was a good idea, except, Aragorn hadn't counted on the fact that Legolas would retell the tale of the infamous dinner party.

When they all got out at Edoras, Merry, Legolas, and Gimli were laughing their fool heads off.

"And then... he stood up...and it we..wen..t everyyy...where!" Legolas said in-between laughs. Merry literally fell out of the open car door because he was laughing so hard. Aragorn didn't even notice it however because he was far too busy reading his new favorite poem. "Half a league...half a league..." he kept muttering to himself.

There was a huge party in the Golden Hall. Soon, the talk turned to how everyone would reclaim their lost song or loved bit of dialogue. It was decided that they would add it back in themselves, much to the annoyance of the script writers. It was also decided that they were going to do things in a much different way than intended from there on out. Theoden ordered pencils for everyone, and the great rewrite began. Everyone was up late into the night rewriting their scripts. The only things they could do different were dialogue and things between themselves, but it was enough to aggravate the script writers.

It was during the great re-write that Aragorn unveiled his brilliant plan to irk the writers into apologizing for their disservice to all in Middle-Earth.

**THUS ENDS THE TWO TOWERS IN THE LORD OF THE KEY RINGS**


	3. The Return of the King Part 1

**THE LORD OF THE KEY RINGS, THE RETURN OF THE KING**

**Part 1**

Frodo and Sam found themselves driving up to the gates of Cirith Ungol.

"Well Mr. Frodo, I suppose we have to leave the Jeep now." said Sam desparingly.

"Yessss, we mussst! Ssssilly fat hobbitsssesss." Gollum hissed. "We cannot climb such steep sstairs in a Jeep. Stupid fat hobbit." Samwise just shot him a nasty glance. They got out of the Jeep, locked it took the keys with them, and started climbing the steep stairs. The Ring was starting to pull on it's chain. Frodo found it increasingly hard to climb up the stairs. But thanks to the handy script and Gollum's promise, Frodo could trust Sam with out worry.

A very long time later the hobbits and Gollum found themselves scrambling to the top of the stairs. Frodo was very much dreading his encounter with Shelob. He almost didn't go in, but then he saw a sign hanging by some webbing that said, "GOLLUM, I'M STUCK IN THE SOUTH WING, BRING LUNCH THERE. -SHELOB" Frodo quickly snatched the sign down and showed it to Sam. Gollum was jumping up and down while screaming, "Let me see! Let me see!" Frodo looked at Sam in a rather panicked way, and Sam looked back at Frodo with a look that said, "don't look at me!" So Frodo just cleared his throat and said, "Um, it says that the South wing is blocked and we need to go through here."

"Oh! Follow meeee!" Gollum whispered in a gravely voice. Frodo and Sam went in with devious smiles on their faces. It looked like Frodo wouldn't get stabbed after all!

"I love these scripts!" Frodo kept saying to himself. Gollum led them through the dark tunnels and abandoned them once they were well in. Frodo and Sam instantly pulled out the Phial of Galadriel, and started running towards the exit that would lead into Mordor. They made it out of Shelob's Tunnels before Gollum discovered that Shelob was stuck in the South Wing.

Frodo and Sam sat outside the entrance feeling pretty good about their duping of Gollum. They took a moment to review their scripts and saw that it was rather necessary that Frodo was taken to Barad-Dur. So, Frodo quickly gave Sam the Ring. It was hard, but he did it. When the orcs came Frodo and Sam stood up to meet them.

"Hi! There's that nasty little blue eyed spy the Great Eye want's us to take! What's that chubby one doing here! I don't see him anywhere near here in the script." Turning to Sam Shagrat gruffly asked, "What are you doing here?"

Before Sam could speak Frodo said, "My name is Frodo Baggins. I'm the one you want to take to Mordor."

"So come along! Don't waste my time!" Shagrat snapped.

"I will, but first, I would like to make a deal with you." Shagrat looked at Frodo rather distrustfully, but those big blue eyes looked so honest that he had to say, "What's your deal?"

"You take me without struggle or causing me any harm, and in return my gardener Sam won't kill any of your men when he comes to get me."

Shagrat was in thought then said, "We'll accept your offer! We won't hurt your gardener either as long as you do something for us!"

"What's that?" Asked Frodo.

Shagrat slyly replied"We want you to give us the keys to that Jeep you rented!" Frodo looked horrified. That would mean that he would never be able to rent a car again in all of the West! He thought about it for a while and the orcs became impatient. Eventually he responded.

"Oh, very well!" Frodo reluctantly tossed Shagrat the keys. Shagrat then made a clumsy bow, and said, "After you Mr. Baggins!" Frodo walked in the front of the procession with Shagrat right behind. As much as Sam loved the scripts, he felt they could be a bit bothersome at times. Like now for instance. He had to sit around outside Shelob's Tunnel just waiting for the time he could follow Mr. Frodo to rescue him.

After ten minutes of sitting there he heard a horrible scream! "WE HATES THE HOBBITSESSSS! MASTER TRICKSS US! FAT ONE TRICKSS US! WE HATES THEM WE HATES THEM!" Followed by another long piercing scream. Sam realized that Gollum had discovered the stuck Shelob. Not wanting to fight with that frog looking Gollum, he decided to run after Frodo.

Shagrat reached the door to Barad-Dur and told all the orcs to leave the next creature that came by alone. So when Sam burst in the doors panting a few moments later, the orcs took hardly any notice. While Sam was still breathing heavily, everyone heard a loud bang on the door. The orcs looked at the door wondering what that noise had been.

The noise had been Gollum running into the door. He had been on Sam's heels all the way to the tower and when Sam came in and slammed the black door, Gollum didn't notice and ran into it full force. That knocked him out for a while.

Sam started climbing the steps. He made it all the way to the top and found the trap door that led to the top room where Frodo was. He entered and Shagrat and Gorbag just grunted. In front of them were some jacks and a small stack of various orc gear. Frodo was sitting there with a big smile on his face.

"What's going on here Mr. Frodo?" Sam asked.

"Oh, hi Sam! Shagrat, Gorbag and I were just playing a friendly game of jacks!"

"Friendly my knife!" Gorbag grumbled.

"What do you mean?" Sam asked looking at each person in turn.

"You see, Shagrat and Gorbag wanted my mithriel shirt. I told them I wanted to keep it. They demanded it and I told them I would play a friendly game of jacks and whoever won would get the shirt. We played several games, and I won all of them, and well, I won two complete orc armor sets!"

"I still say you cheated!" Gorbag yelled.

"No Gorbag, I didn't cheat. It was all skill! All skill!" Frodo repeated with a big smile while nodding his head slightly. Frodo and Sam grabbed the gear and left. After the trap door was closed the hobbits heard a few nasty orc curses and loud knocks and bumps. Gorbag and Shagrat got into a huge fight. The door opened and Shagrat screamed for back up. Suddenly the whole tower was in a fight. Sam and Frodo, luckily, hadn't put on the orc gear, so they were completely ignored as they walked through the tower and out the door.

Frodo and Sam snuck by the unconscious Gollum and headed off towards the plain of Gorgoroth.

Meanwhile, far away in the halls of Theoden, the great re-write was coming towards an end. Aragorn had just finished telling his magnificent plan when Theoden stood up.

"Men of Rohan, the party is over! The time for action has come! We must ride now for Gondor! We must go and fight for the freedom of Middle Earth! We must fight for the vengeance of Middle Earth on the script writers!" The Golden Hall burst into a tremendous roar of agreement. The army of the Rohirrim all headed out to the horse stables, yes horse stables, and got their horses ready to ride.

While they were doing that, Theoden, Gandalf, and Aragorn gathered around the Palantir.

"Aragorn, you should use it." Gandalf said. Aragorn reached out and seized it. A few seconds later he was talking directly to Sauron.

"Hello, this is Aragorn son of Arathorn."

"So hurry up with those eye drops! Oh, is this thing on?" Sauron cleared his throat and turned to Aragorn. "What do you want?" Sauron hissed. "I'm busy searching for my Ring!"

"I want to tell you something that you may like."

"Unless you're telling me you are giving me my Ring, I'm not interested."

"Just listen please! Now Theoden, Gandalf, and myself have decided that it is in the best interest of Middle Earth to mess everything up."

Sauron replied, "I don't care! All I want is my Ring! I can mess up Middle Earth on my own! GOOD BYE!" Suddenly the Palantir was dark.

"Fine!" said Aragorn setting the cloth back over it, "We're going to mess up everything and destroy you all by ourselves!"

Aragorn, Gandalf, and Theoden ordered for the Rohirrim to be mustered, everyone to use horses, and for the plan to begin!

The Rohirrim were mustered and soon rode off to Gondor. Half way there they stopped by the entrance to the Paths of the Dead. Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli rode into the Paths of the Dead and soon were talking with the King of the Dead. Aragorn told the Dead King that if he would help them out, he would hold their oath fulfilled. The Dead King, who was quite sick of haunting the mountains, agreed.

The three travelers made their way out of the Dead King's halls and found themselves staring at the enemy ships. Instead of hollering to the captain of the ship, the King of the Dead floated down there and started talking with the captain. The captain, was a bit afraid at first, but when the Dead King told him that if he fought for Gondor he would be forgiven for fighting against Gondor, he would be able to keep his life and his ships, and they would be left in peace.

"What will that creepy wraith guy say?" The captain asked.

The Dead King just looked at him in a very puzzled manner.

"You know, he calls himself a messenger of Sauron. I once heard him say he was some ancient king." The captain explained.

"Oh! Him! Don't worry!" The King of the Dead assured, "The wraith and his master will be destroyed before they ever find out about it!"

"Then it's a deal! One question though, where is this stuff in the script?" The Dead King explained quickly to him what was going on. The captain ordered his ships to all anchor near shore. Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli boarded and the ships set sail again.

After an hour, the wind died and they were going no where. Getting frustrated Aragorn cried, "We are moving slowly! Sauron may act faster than he wanted to because he knows we are going to be doing everything wrong. Is there any way to move faster?" The captain looked at him with a look that said, "do I look like a magician to you?" then the Dead King spoke.

"The dead can make this boat move faster!"

"Then please do so!" Aragorn requested as calmly as he could. Suddenly, the boats jerked forward and started moving at a fast rate. Aragorn smiled and said, "This is more like it!" Just then Legolas came up.

"Aragorn, have you ever noticed how the gulls cry? Or how beautiful the wide waters are, or how green the fields of Lebennin are?" a half dreamy, half thoughtful eyed Legolas asked.

"Are you just saying that or are you serious?" Aragorn asked.

"Serious." He quietly replied.

"Great!" Aragorn mumbled to himself, "He's got the sea longing! Nothing better than an elf torn in two during a conspiracy and a war!" A few minutes later Gimli came walking up. He saw the glazed eyes of Legolas.

"What's wrong with the elf?" Gimli asked Aragorn.

"Sea longing." Aragorn flatly replied.

"Great! Nothing better than an elf with sea longing during a conspiracy and a war!" Gimli said.

"That's just what I said!" Aragorn exclaimed!

"No kidding!"Gimli said. Suddenly Legolas started chanting some ancient elvish song of the sea.

Gimli rolled his eyes then asked "So how far _is_ it to Gondor, Aragorn?"

Meanwhile, Gandalf had decided that he would not take a horse, but his car. He took Pippin with him. He drove off with the pedal to the metal, and only stopped once to refill his gas tank. Upon reaching Minas Tirith, Gandalf entered the main gate and left his car parked in the lowest level of the parking garage. From there they borrowed a horse and rode through the winding streets of Minas Tirith til they reached the tallest citadel. They gave the reigns to a guard standing by the fountain, and walked in to see Denethor.

"Gandalf! Don't even start with all your nice talk to me! I know why you're here. You want me to defend the city. I know about that nasty unwashed ranger from the north, and I know about your little halflings that you love so well! I also know that my son is dead! Just save your breath and..."

"That's not was I was going to say STEWARD Denethor, I was going to say that the unwashed ranger from the north has an idea that you need to hear, so shut up and listen!" Gandalf angrily snapped. Denethor sat there with a stupid look on his face. He hadn't expected to be told to shut up like that.

"Proceed." growled Denethor. Gandalf proceeded to tell Denethor the marvelous plan for ruining the script writers script. As the plan was told, Denethor sat there with the same grumpy scowl that always was on his face. It was then that Gandalf decided that the only time Denethor smiled was when Boromir did something.

"Sounds like a good idea Gandalf. I'll go in on it. Don't think I like it though! I see that all of Middle Earth is against me! What else can I do!" He angrily grumbled.

Gandalf rolled his eyes and thought, 'I'd rather deal with hobbits than this old...' but his thoughts were cut off as he heard Pippin, for no real reason say the stupidest thing he could have in his short hobbit life.

"Mr. Denethor Steward, sir, I wish to offer you my service for, um, I don't really know."

"How about out of gratitude for my son sacrificing his life for you and your stupid relation!" Denethor loudly growled.

"Actually, he didn't. We gave ourselves up to the Uruk-hai while Boromir hired two of them to carry his canoe down the falls of Rauros." It was at this point Gandalf whacked Pippin with his staff.

"He what! He hired two of the enemy to carry his canoe!" Denethor screamed. His face became twisted into the most frightful expression Pippin had ever seen! Pippin hid himself behind Gandalf's cloak.

"Why didn't he fight! It is what the script said to do! He must be lying dead by the edge of the falls, stabbed in the back by those servants of the enemy!" Denethor started sobbing. In between sobs Pippin thought he had heard the words 'favorite', 'dishonorable death' and 'somehow Faramir's fault'.

When they left Pippin asked who Faramir was. Gandalf told him and Pippin said that he felt sorry for him. For the record, Pippin was never given his honorary position for two reasons, the first one being the fact that he really didn't have a debt to pay, and second, Denethor decided it would help frustrate the script writers. Instead of honorary position however, he was given a special brooch that hadn't been used in hundreds of years, and was the Middle Earth version of an all access pass to Minas Tirith.

Gandalf and Pippin went to their room and were really ticked off that they had to share. A note on their desk explained that all the other spare rooms were being used for holding swords, bows, arrows, and various other things needed in war.

Some time the next day the seige began. When Faramir and his men tried getting back to Minas Tirith from Osgiliath, the Ringwraiths started attacking the riders with their fell beasts. Gandalf, seeing he was definitely needed, ran to the main level faster than seemed possible, jumped in his car and drove out the gate. On Gandalf's Lamborghini Diablo he had hired a friend of his to put in special head lights that he could control the direction in which they shone, and how brightly they shone. His flood lights were more like large searchlights.

Anyway, he sped out onto the field and directed his head lights up then turned them on (he didn't want to blind Faramir or his men). The Ringwraiths were not only repelled, but blinded by the high wattage of the head lights. The fell beasts and the wraiths went swerving back in the general direction of Mordor.

Upon everyone's return Pippin ran up to Gandalf and asked, "Why didn't you take me with you?"

"Because I didn't feel like it!" Gandalf snapped. High speed chases made him tired, which in turn made him cranky. He looked over at Faramir and saw he had a strange look upon his face. "What's wrong Faramir?" he asked full of concern.

"I have seen one of those halflings before. They were driving past me in a rental jeep while I was in Ithilien. They said they were going to Cirith Ungol."

"I knew that all already. I read it in the script. Is that all that was bugging you?"

"No. The thing that is really bugging me is that, three nights ago, I was wakeful at midnight, I went down to the river and there saw Boromir, paddling past me in a boat. He was wearing a shirt that said I SURVIVED THE FALLS OF RAUROS. That's not all either! As he went by he waved and said, 'Hi little brother! I'll see you later!' then continued paddling down the river. I thought he was suppose to be dead! That's what the script said anyway!" Poor Faramir looked very confused.

"Oh, something you ought to know, nearly everyone else besides yourself and Frodo and Sam have abandoned the script. We don't do what it says. As a matter of fact, we are trying to reek revenge on the script writers for hacking up the book. We're disgracing them by ruining the whole the thing."

"I see I see!" said Faramir while stroking his chin. He got a devilish look on his face and asked, "What should I do?"

"Inform your men what is going on, kill as many orcs as you can, and tell them all to go crazy." Gandalf said in a very serious way. Pippin looked at him and smothered a laugh. Faramir then checked in with his father, which told him not to go back to Osgiliath, but to stay in Minis Tirith.

Now, the assumption that Sauron would attack faster than he wanted to was correct. By that afternoon the armies of Mordor started arranging themselves for the seige of Minas Tirith. Denethor looked out from the lofty citadel and nearly fell back wards in horror at the sight of the enemy.

A black colored mass covered the ground. Noisy semi trucks were pulling up towards the gate. The small but ferocious cave trolls that drove the trucks kept honking their horns. The very noise made all the men of Gondor cover their ears. Once that noise stopped, another, more horrible sound ensued, the sound was the noise of karaoki being sung by the orcs. It was not just any song though, it was the most horrible song known to man! It was the 99 bottles of beer song! All 99 verses were sung ere the end, and even Gandalf was suffering from the harsh voices singing that obnoxious song.

By the time the orcs had gotten to 88 bottles of beer, the Lord Denethor had passed out. Faramir was at his side trying to revive him. Suddenly an idea came to him, he gave a smothered chortle, and ran of to his room smothering laughs all the way. When he came back, he had a paint pallet and brush with him. He had some black, some green, some orange, some yellow, some red, blue, and white. He bent down over his father and started painting strange letters on his face with some funny shapes and pictures.

By the time Faramir was done, Denethor's face was covered in white and had written on it in four different languages and colors the words POINT AT ME, LAUGH AND MAKE FACES. As Faramir finished he said to himself, "This is payback daddy for all the times you said that I was a shame to you, and that you wished that I was more like Boromir, and every time you said that you had wished that I had gone instead of Boromir!"

Shortly after, Denethor woke up. The guards of the fountain and the tree looked at him and smiled. Fortunately for them, they wore high face masks that covered their grins. Denethor had no idea that he looked so. As the captains came up the stairs and asked Denethor what his commands were, they burst into laughter, while pointing and making faces because of the laughter. Denethor became enraged! He told them all to go die and not the way that seemed best to them. (You see, he was a very short tempered and proud fool.) Each time a captain came up and started laughing Denethor turned around and asked, "What are they laughing at!" Each time Faramir did his absolute best not to laugh or smile while he said, "I have no idea Father," After the third captain, Faramir had to excuse himself and went howling with laughter up to his room.

In the meantime, Gandalf saw Denethor still wasn't going to help with the battle so he sent Pippin up to see if Faramir would come down and help out. Pippin reached the top, saw Denethor, and started laughing so hard that he fell over. Pippin completely forgot about the battle and an enraged Denethor focused only on the laughing hobbit. The more angry he got, the more twisted his face became, the more ridiculous he looked. Pippin laughed harder and harder until he finally ran out of breath and lie on the ground trying to breath and laugh at the same time.

Several hours later and some time after sunset, the orcs crashed through the front gate, and the semi's pulled in. The small but ferocious cave trolls got out and opened the back. The scariest things in the world came out of the back of that truck, lipstick wearing trolls swinging clubs while singing You Are My Dark Lord (to the tune of You Are My Sunshine). The men thought the sound more horrible than wraith screeches while old teachers were running their fingernails down a chalk board. A lipstick wearing troll singing sounds more horrible than words can describe. At the sound of it, they threw down their weapons and ran like mad men to the second level.

While the lipstick wearing trolls were singing, Denethor was upstairs becoming increasingly upset. So upset, that he started flailing his arms around screaming, "Why are you laughing!" The guards of the fountain were not allowed to talk while on duty, so they couldn't tell him. He started running around and suddenly, the ridiculously long furry robe he wore brushed across an above ground fire pit that they kept near the doors and caught on fire. Denethor, unwilling to depart with his furry robe, and not thinking clearly enough to take it off, ran screaming around the citadel, "Ouch! Ouch! It hurts! It really hurts! What should I do? OUCH!" Suddenly, some sense came back to him and he quickly took off the flaming fur and chucked it over the edge. The orcs all looked up and exclaimed, "Wow! Fireworks!" Denethor was at this point slightly singed and very tired and passed out again. A forth captain who was coming to ask for orders saw him, laughed and pointed, then picked up his lord and took him to the Houses of Healing. Pippin, who had seen the whole scene, stopped laughing when it seemed Denethor was going to die, but after he flung the coat over the edge and passed out, Pippin started laughing again. He decided he should go ask Faramir if he would help.

**TO BE CONTINUED. . .**


	4. Return of the King Part 2

**LORD OF THE KEY RINGS, RETURN OF THE KING **

**Part 2**

_Disclaimer: I forgot to put it on the other pages, so this one will have to do for the whole story. I don't own Lord Of The Rings, I don't own the musical "OKLAHOMA!" I don't own the song "You are my Sunshine, I don't own the Crocodile Hunter__I do not own any of the cars in my story, nor do I own Ford, Chevrolet, whoever makes Lambroghini's (sp?) And I do not own the Charge of the Light Brigade. Or anything in this story. I don't even own my mind. It lets me use it when it comes to visit. So with out further delay, Part 2. _

Theoden and Merry were camped out with the rest of the Rohirrim in front of the entrance to the Paths of the Dead. It was really early in the morning. They were sitting next to each other on a bench in silence. After several minutes of this Merry turned to Theoden.

"Do you figure I should offer you my sword?" Asked Merry.

"If you want to." Theoden replied. "If all you want is the ability to wander around the Riddermark freely, you could just get an honorary position."

"What sort of honorary position?"

"Well, you could be court jester!" Theoden teased. Merry just looked blankly at him. "Just kidding! Grima was the only one that I would ever give that position to! No, it is an honorary title. Given to select few that serve the King of the Riddermark."

"What, like get you a drink or something?"

"Of course not! You'd have to do something noticeable first."

"I know! I could paint the outside walls bright lime green!" Merry jested. Theoden gave him a look that said, "weirdo!"

"Would I get to be Lord Meriadoc?" He asked hopefully.

"No! Master Meriadoc, Friend of the Riddermark."

"Sounds nice."

"Yeah it is. The best part is, I could grant it to you right now just for your assistance in the great rewrite!"

"Would you? I would hate to find out later that Pippin had gotten his position as a tower guard or whatever he is, and I hadn't gotten anything."

"Sure! Kneel in front of me." Theoden said. "Hand me your sword." Merry handed him his sword. He held it in his hands looked at Merry, set the flat part of the blade on Merry's right shoulder and said, "I hereby declare that Meriadoc Brandybuck of the Shire is a Friend of the Riddermark and shall be able to go wherever he wishes in the Riddermark until the end of his days."

"Thank you Theoden King!" Merry said with a big smile.

"No problem! Don't mention it!" Theoden smiled back.

In a few hours they whole place was getting ready to leave.

"Theoden, does this mean I get to ride with you guys?" Merry asked.

"Sure! You still have to ride with Eowyn however." Merry got a big grin on his face. He thought Eowyn was very pretty, and between you and me, he had a crush on her! "Oh, before you go anywhere though, you have to go back to your tent. By now Hama should have put your armor on a stand in there."

Merry happily ran, almost skipped, off. When he reached his room sure enough, there was his armor. He put it on, and ran out to find Eowyn.

"Eowyn! Eowyn! Where are you?" He started yelling the moment he hit the door of his tent.

"Over here!" Eowyn yelled. Merry looked off towards his left and saw a smaller soldier waving her arms. Merry trotted over and greeted Eowyn. She helped him onto the horse, and she got on behind him.

A minute or two later Theoden was making some grand speech about how they should first and for most win against Sauron, and almost as importantly, ruin the script. The riders all cheered, waived their scripts in the air, and went thundering off towards Minis Tirith.

The guy with the red barbed arrow saw all the riders riding towards him. He had left before he could have been informed about the script changes. Now, incase your thinking, 'he wasn't in the movie!' I'd just like you to know that he was a Tolkien purist, and decided that it was very important that he do his job, no matter what. He had been given a script, and was using that to plan out when to leave. Well, like I was saying, he was suddenly being faced with thousands of war happy Rohirrim.

Eomer, who was in the front, told everyone to halt. It was lucky for the Gondorian guy that the Rohirrim were so good with horses, otherwise, he would have been a Gondorian pancake. The rider started explaining why he was there, and once the words 'Tolkien purist' left his lips Eomer stopped him.

"We are reeking revenge upon the script writers for their disservice to Middle Earth and all its inhabitants. Are you willing to ruin both script and book for the betterment of Middle Earth?" The Gondorian messenger sat on his horse thinking for a moment. Suddenly he saw the beacons of Minis Tirith had been lit and the very unused battle horns of the beacons were sounding loudly and off key. (the horns had been Faramir's idea.)

"Those horns must have been Faramir's idea." the Gondorian messenger said.

Theoden, who had reached the head of the procession by then said, "Oh good, Gandalf got there in time then! Let's keep going!"

They rode and rode until at last, the walls of Minis Tirith were in sight. All the Rohirrim plus the Hobbit and Gondorian guy were in the ranks listening to Theoden give another speech. It was a very moving, that is, everyone started yelling and cheering "DEATH! DEATH! TO SAURON AND SERVANTS! UNEMPLOYMENT! UNEMPLOYMENT TO THE SCRIPT WRITERS AND THE DIRECTOR!" With that being done, the orcs reformed their lines and waited for the Rohirrim come charging down the hill.

Frodo and Sam had just escaped Barad-Dur. They put on their orc armor, and then started reviewing their scripts.

"Look here Mr. Frodo! If we take our time, we don't have to run with those orcs, but if we hurry up, we can run with another group that is going right past Mount Doom. It will save us all sorts of time!"

"Where do you see that?" Frodo asked. "I don't see it in the script!"

"It's not in the script!" Sam smiled widely. "I swiped Shagrat's schedule of orc departures."

"You're sneaky! Let's catch the early group!" Frodo exclaimed. With that, they headed off towards the plains of Gorgoroth. They had been down in the plains for only 10 minutes when suddenly a large company of orcs headed towards Mount Doom came running by. Instead of the Hobbits being whipped and carefully watched, they jumped in line at the middle of the group. For hours they ran in silence. Suddenly, some orc at the front of the column suggested everyone started singing show tunes. Suddenly, they were surrounded by 150 orcs singing off key the theme song to "Oklahoma!" Sam just sighed. It was going to be a long run. Frodo didn't seem to notice however. It took five days, but they finally found themselves running past Mount Doom. Frodo and Sam jumped into a ditch, as soon as they saw one, and hid from the orcs.

"Are they gone?" Frodo asked.

"No! Can't you hear them singing show tunes still?" Sam asked.

"No! It's horrible Sam! All I can hear is Sauron coarsely singing "Oh where is my Precious?" and all I can see is his horrible fiery eye!" Frodo practically screamed the last words. Sam just looked at him and said unconceredly, "Sounds rotten. Want some Lembas?"

Frodo was to consumed to respond. As soon as the horrid sound of orcs singing show tunes was over, Sam hit Frodo on the shoulder and said, "Let's go!"

The two Hobbits made their way towards Mount Doom. Just as they started climbing the steep slopes Sam heard Gollum's hissing breath. Before Sam could turn around he was knocked on the head by Gollum. Gollum's blow did not have the effect that he wanted it to. All it accomplished was a nasty goose-egg on Sam's head, it did not knock him out. It made him enraged. Frodo, who wasn't getting weak at this point, just crazy, looked back and saw Gollum coming up behind him, he made a mad dash towards the distant entrance. Sam, seeing his opportunity to rid himself of the froggy looking Gollum, picked up a rock. Before he could through it, Gollum tripped on a rock and fell backwards down the mountains. As he rolled past Sam he yelled out, "AS YOU WISH!" Sam and Frodo turned around, looked at him, shrugged their shoulders and kept going. When Sam caught up to Frodo he asked if he knew why Gollum said that as he rolled down the hill.

"It's a weird side affect of having the Ring to long. You find yourself quoting stuff from the story about that one princess, you know, the one with a food name..."

"Buttercup wasn't it? Princess Buttercup?" Sam suggested.

"Yeah! That's it. The Princess Bride." Frodo exclaimed. "You start quoting the character you hate the most."

"That just goes to prove that Gollum is all bad. Wesley was a good guy!" Sam said. "You know Mr. Frodo, that story is the one told in Middle Earth that we aren't apart of."

"Very true Sam! Let's keep going!" Frodo and Sam trudged on for a while. Frodo became tired, so Sam carried him up the rest of the way. At the door he set Frodo down. Frodo slowly went in the evil archway.

Theoden was sitting at the top of the hill getting ready to charge, Frodo and Sam were just leaving Barad-Dur, and Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli were sailing down the river. Gandalf was impatiently waiting for that "fool of Took" to return with Faramir.

Pippin went running up the stairs to Faramir's room and frantically knocked on the door.

"Gandalf's gonna kill me for taking so long!" Pippin thought in horror to himself as he knocked. Faramir answered the door. His face was still a little pink from laughter.

"Faramir! You must come with me quick to Gandalf. He sent me up here for you! You must help with the battle!" Pippin quickly explained.

"Ok! If I must!" Faramir reluctantly replied. Faramir was hoping he could hide in his room and read car magazines and dream about cars his dad wouldn't let him get. "Boromir got the car he wanted! He got a red '68 Ford Mustang! He got a Schwinn when he was ten. Me, I got Boromir's rusty old bike! I got a Geo Tracker! I wanted an old Thunderbird, but nooo!" Faramir grumbled to himself as he got on his gear. Faramir was slightly bitter. A few minutes later he emerged from his room in full armor. Pippin and Faramir went quickly down to wear a very impatient Gandalf was giving orders.

"You took long enough Pippin! Now go back up to the Citadel and make sure that Denethor doesn't do anything stupid, like use a Palantir!" Gandalf yelled above the noise. Pippin just nodded and ran off. While Gandalf and Faramir were busy winning a war, Pippin was trying to find Denethor.

Denethor, was sitting in his stewards seat, now he was standing. He started pacing. He was trying not to look into the Palantir that lay on a table in front of him. He just wanted to know what Sauron was doing! He wanted to see if Boromir was really alive. He wanted to see if he could get the Crocodile Hunter to appear. (It had worked a few a times!) He could no longer resist the urge to see if Crocodile Hunter was on, so he picked it up. Just then Pippin burst through the doors.

"DROP THAT PALANTIR!" Pippin shouted. Had he known what a police man was, he would have felt like one.

"NOOOO! NEVER! IT'S MINE! MY PRECIOUS!" Denethor shouted back.

"Are you just saying that?" Pippin asked in a very curious tone. Then put a suspicious look on his face and added, "Or are you serious?"

"I'm serious!" Denethor snarled! "You shall never take my Precious Palantir away! NEVER!" He screeched. He took his Palantir and held it close to himself. He ran screaming out of the hall. Pippin went running after him.

"Wait! Lord Denethor! I don't want to take it! I just don't want you to use it!" Pippin yelled as he went running after him. Pippin's shrill cries fell on deaf ears. Denethor was crazier than anyone ever thought! He was so in love with his Palantir that he would give it up to no one!

"If I can't have it! NO ONE WILL!" He muttered desperately to himself as he ran off towards Rath Dinnin. Apparently, he had forgotten what Gandalf told him and thought that he was going to burn. He ran in there, grabbed a torch from one of the walls, and jumped up onto the black table things that sat around in the middle of the halls for no apparent reason. His demise is like the movie, except in the end he runs screaming off the edge of the Citadel with his Palantir screaming, "MY PRECIOUS!"

Pippin saw him fly off the edge and said, "So passes Denethor, son of Ecthelion. Why am I saying Gandalf's lines?"

The orcs on the battle field looked up and became very confused. They thought Denethor had died already! Panic broke out across the lines of Mordor. Everyone was frantically searching through their scripts for explanations!

It was then the Riders of Rohan decided to go charging into the lines of Mordor.

"RIDE! FORWARD!" Theoden cried. Suddenly a sound greater than thunder was heard. The horribly confused orcs didn't reform lines, and thus many of them were squashed by the half crazed Rohirrim. The Rohirrim were doing a good job of destroying the enemy when suddenly, a low rumble was heard. OLIPHANTS!

"Junk!" Theoden said to himself. "I don't want to be squashed! I know! I'll tell Eomer to cover for me while I go wait by the Anduin for Aragorn and the rest!" He quickly rode off in search of Eomer.

"Eomer! Eomer! Over here quick!" Theoden called.

"Here! What are your orders!" Eomer asked, out of breath.

"Cover for me! I don't want to get squashed by my horse."

"But the Oliphants don't squash you, the Nazgul does!" Eomer argued.

"If the Oliphants are here, the Nazgul aren't far behind! Listen, if you do this for me, I give you the throne when this is all over, and I'll retire!"

"Deal!" Eomer said. They shook hands and Theoden ran off towards the river.

He had just reached the shores when the ships came up the river. Out jumped Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli.

"Hello fellows! Are those dead guys with you?" Theoden asked as if he were greeting them at a picnic.

"Yes they are, as well as the enemy. They agreed to fight for us!" Aragorn said. He then gave a loud whistle and all the gang planks were lowered and everyone came pouring out of the ships. The Mordor orcs which were left were terribly confused, and the riders on the Oliphants were confused as well. The Dead King led his dead army across the field and they single handedly took out all the oliphants while the everyone else started in on the orcs. Just when they were about to turn into the city to cleanse it of all the trolls and whatnot, two sounds were heard. One was fair horns, blowing in the distance, and the other was the horrible screech of the nazgul.

Prince Imrahill and his people had decided that regardless of what the script said, he was going to help Gondor. The Dark Lord, who was to busy looking for his Ring to care about the battle, didn't even notice that his forces were being laid to waste. Prince Imrahill saw Aragorn and rode up to him.

"What's going on here?" He cried.

"We have rejected the script and decided to do things our way. As revenge upon the script writers." Aragorn explained.

"Oh. What do you need me to do?" the prince asked.

"Help us clean the city of the evil trolls that are ransacking it at this moment!" Aragorn said. The men left the field to the Dead King and everyone entered the city. A brave and valiant battle ensued, but with all the extra help, Minas Tirith was quickly cleaned up. The Nazgul, seeing the absolute destruction of their forces below, decided it was useless sitting around terrorizing people when they had lost, so they turned around and went home.

Gandalf and Faramir were very glad that the help came so quickly. When the battle was over, Aragorn asked the Dead King if he would be willing to stick around and defeat Sauron. The Dead King informed him that he would rather eat dirt, so Aragorn released him.

It was decided quite quickly, that they all should go up to the Citadel and discuss their future plans of attack. They made their way to top, Went into the hall, and started talking. Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Gandalf, Faramir, Eomer, Theoden, Prince Imrahill, Merry and Pippin, and Eowyn were all standing around talking.

"The first thing we ought to discuss," Legolas said, "Is who should shower first!"

The dirty, sweaty, smelly humans, dwarf, wizard, and hobbits just stared blankly at him. What did he mean shower? So Aragorn asked.

"What do you mean shower?" Aragorn asked.

"You people smell horrible! I think you all should bathe before we plan anything!" Legolas said.

"What about you?" Eomer asked.

"Elves don't smell bad. They can't." He proudly informed. "But I wouldn't mind bathing. I havn't done so in 25 hours!"

Everyone's jaws dropped in mock suprise.

"I'll shower first. I don't want to go in after all you smelly people!" He said. He gave a slight wink to his friends. (Meanwhile, the script writers were watching in horror, there was nothing they could do about it! ACK! It was driving them nuts!)

"Fine! Go first! I get it second!" Merry cried.

"Merry, there are 12 showers in this citadel alone. I think we could all take one at once. With one left over!" Aragorn said.

"No you can't!" Legolas exclaimed. "If we all take a shower at once, I won't have any hot water!"

"This is Minas Tirith Legolas, not Mirkwood! We can handle having 12 people taking hot showers all at once here." Aragorn said. Legolas gave him a faux dirty look. Their plan was going brilliantly! They could hear the script writers screaming off in the distance.

It was odd really, they didn't know where these mysterious script writers had come from, nor did they know why they had gotten a script in the first place! But that didn't matter, they were reeking revenge, and it was sweet!

Everyone split off and went to a separate shower. Half an hour later Gandalf, and the humans were back in the hall of the steward and the king, dry and clean. Including Aragorn. (The script writers fell over off their chairs.) Fifteen minutes after that, Gimli and the hobbits came out, all nice and clean! The hobbits' hair and Gimli's beard were still wet. Thirty minutes after that Legolas appeared. He was practically glowing he was so clean! Everyone gawked at the squeaky clean Legolas. His golden hair was almost shining, his skin looked like it was brand new, even his eyes looked cleaner! Nobody knew that elves could get so clean! Prince Imrahill had heard rumor, but nobody really knew.

"Now, this is clean!" Legolas cheerfully said. Gandalf had ordered chairs to be brought in so they could all sit down. Everyone was now clean, smelled good, even to Legolas, and were all wearing Gondorian complimentary robes. While their clothes were being cleaned.

"Now," Gandalf began. "Frodo is in Mordor with Samwise. I can't see where he is, but I would guess he is in or leaving Barad-Dur. We need to keep Sauron distracted. If we could use a Palantir, we might be able to see if Sauron was going to wait for us or if he would attack us again. Does anyone know where Denethor's is?"

"Um... It's wherever Denethor fell." Pippin stammared.

"What do you mean?" Gandalf said. Pippin proceeded to explain what all had happened with Denethor. Faramir looked a little sad, but not as devastated as you would think. He really had a thing against his father.

"Aragorn, do you still have that Palantir you looked in at Edoras?" Gandalf asked.

"Um, yeah, somewhere." Aragorn stammered. Gandalf rolled his eyes.

"It doesn't matter! We must act first! We won't let Sauron decide whether he wants to wait or whether he wants to strike us again! We will draw him out, we will keep him blind to all else that is moving! Half a league! Half a league! Half a league onward! Into the valley of death rode the men of the West!" Aragorn said. He looked like he was doing a mellow dramatic interpretation for a Drama King's and Queen's drama convention! One arm was dramatically raised in the air with his hand balled into a fist. He was looking up towards the ceiling. In this dramatic pose he froze.

Everyone sat in silence. Aragorn had done such a good job they thought he was serious. That and they were waiting for Legolas to deliver his line. They had left "a diversion" in the script.

"I refuse to say that! That's just a stupid line and I will not make all elves look stupid by saying that line!" Legolas protested.

"Fine!" Aragorn sighed. "But I do mean to set up a diversion! Tomorrow, everyone needs to rest, The day after, all who are able will ride to Mordor! We shall ride into the valley of death with hopefully more than six thousand! Eomer, please go tell the captain of the ships what my plan is. Eowyn, you and Faramir shall stay here! Someone must lead the people while we are gone!"

"I can fight!" Eowyn protested.

"I know you can!" Aragorn replied. "I also know that you have a secur..."

"Shut up Aragorn!" Eowyn yelled. "I'll stay!" Aragorn gave a devious smile of victory.

"What's a secur...?" Faramir whispered to Eowyn.

"I'll tell you later!" she whispered back.

Aragorn and everyone else got everything arranged. They finished their council about the same time their clothes were washed. A laundry lade came in and started handing out clothes. Legolas got his first.

"Good!" Legolas exclaimed. "Human clothes itch and don't fit right. I don't know how you humans can stand them!"

"We aren't as sensitive as elves are." Faramir said. Suddenly, the doors to the hall flew open and in walked Boromir, still wearing his "I survived the Falls of Rauros" t-shirt.

"BOROMIR!" everyone exclaimed. Faramir ran up to his brother and threw his arms around him.

"Wow! Little brother! I thought you hated me! Maybe I shouldn't die more often!" Boromir joked in suprise.

"Well, something I should tell you, Daddy died."

"Really?" Boromir said with a strange look on his face.

"Really." Faramir softly replied, trying to look remorseful.

"That's bad. Oh well, no need to cry over spilt milk!" Boromir nonchalantly said. Everyone looked in shock at Boromir. "Father was always so pushy! He demanded to much of me and gave to much to me! Faramir was so unjustly treated. Besides, he was crazy!" Boromir explained.

"Well that doesn't mean you should be so unconcerned about it!" Gandalf said. Boromir and Faramir looked blankly at Gandalf. Obviously he had never had Denethor as a father. They suddenly turned to each other, hugged again, and started to celebrate the non death of Boromir!

"Well, now that your reunion is over, I'm going to command that Merry stay behind as well!" Aragorn said.

"Me? Why?" Merry cried.

"Because someone needs to keep an eye on Eowyn and Faramir." Aragorn whispered.

"Right! Right!" Merry whispered back with a nod.

Everyone scattered to the many guests rooms of the Citadel to rest. Legolas stayed behind with Aragorn.

"Maybe you should have a dinner party when this is over Aragorn." Legolas jokingly whispered.

"No, I am not repeating the dinner party incident!" Aragorn exclaimed. "I know that's what your thinking!"

"Me? Noooo!" Legolas replied in faux innocence. "I would never _dream_ of repeating the dinner party incident!" He said while making his eyes as big and innocent as he could.

"You elven liar!" Aragorn teased.

"Now, now! No need for name calling Aragorn! Now excuse me, I must get out of these horribly uncomfortable _human_ made clothes!" Legolas teased. He walked away with a wicked smile on his lips.

Tomorrow came and everyone enjoyed the day off. Everyone woke up early and made their plans for battle, then spent the rest of the day loafing around Minas Tirith. At least, most everyone was loafing. Pippin and Merry were far to hyper to sit around and rest. After Gandalf gave them the death glare, and nearly everyone else told them to go away or be smacked, the two hyper hobbits went after Legolas and Gimli.

"Legolas! Gimli!" they screamed as they ran through Minas Tirith. Legolas and Gimli had been outside looking over the walls of Minas Tirith when Legolas heard the shrill cries.

"Oh great!" Legolas thought.

"What?" Gimli asked.

"Can't you hear those two hobbits screaming our names?" Legolas asked.

"No." Gimli replied.

"Deaf dwarves." Legolas muttered under his breath. Soon enough Gimli heard them as well and before either one of them wanted, they could see Merry and Pippin running up.

"Legolas! Gimli!" Pippin yelled. "We're bored!"

"Sing us a song! Tell us a story!" Merry shouted as he reached the two.

Legolas sighed. "Very well! Do you want to hear a long story or a short story?"

"A long one!" they said in unison.

"Very well. You asked for it!" Legolas said suppressing a wicked grin, and began. "_Narn i hin Hurin..._" or The Tale of the Children of Hurin. It is a long tale and Legolas had every intention of telling it in elvish, with all the drama and acting possible. If those two were going to ruin his day, he would make their's a nightmare!

Hobbits, having the short attention span that they do, didn't let him get to far into it before they asked, "Could you tell it in the common tongue?"

"No. _Si Hurin..._" Legolas continued. The hobbits couldn't handle it any more.

"Um, sorry Legolas but we must go eat something! Maybe we'll have you tell it to us later!" Pippin said inching away. As soon as the last word was out of his mouth he and Merry bolted. The rest of the day was spent in peace and quiet, by all.

_Author's Note: Sincere thanks to everyone that has reviewed. Should you review again, tell me where your story is so I can read it and return the nice compliments! PLEASE! And do not worry. This is not the end! There is more to come!_ _Don't keep your reviews to yourselves!_


	5. Finally! The Wedding!

**LORD OF THE RINGS RETURN OF THE KING**

**Part 3**

Disclaimer: I do not own anything. Somebody else does. Half a League!

The day of rest was over, the day for riding like mad to Mordor had begun. A large convoy of charter buses, school buses, full sized vans, and pick up trucks hauling flat bed trailers were leaving Gondor and making their way to Mordor. Aragorn was dressed in Isildur's old armor, and was glowing as the sun reflected off the polished armor. He and the others made their way down to the lowest circle, where their cars were waiting. Theoden and Eomer were given loaner cars, very nice loaner cars, to drive to Mordor in. Legolas was given a car by Prince Imrahil, who had had some of his cars imported yesterday. Legolas' car was a bright red Enzo Ferrari. Suddenly, he didn't envy that Lamborghini Diablo quite as much.

Aragorn however, was stuck driving the standard vehicle of Gondorian stewards, glittering black Dodge Viper. Yes, a black Dodge Viper is a sweet car, but pales in comparison to a red Enzo Ferrari. Aragorn looked longingly at the Enzo as Legolas jumped in and reved the engine. Gimli gladly hopped in the riders seat.

Legolas looked like a young elf in a Lothlorien bow store. No, that's not quite accurate. To be anywhere near accurate all I can say is, put the biggest, happiest, most car crazy look that your mind's eye can conjure on his face, and then you will be getting close. Aragorn's eyes practically burned green with envy and longing.

For the record, Gandalf was back in his Lamborghini and took Pippin with him; Theoden, Eomer, and Boromir were in Mustang GT's; Prince Imrahil was in his Enzo, which was a shocking silver. Aragorn in his black Viper led the way out of Gondor's front gate. The future king, wizard, and various royalty and rulers quickly passed the first charter bus, and led the way to Mordor.

Just beyond the field of battle, the vehicles were parked. One row of charter buses shielded the gorgeous cars, and every one else parked behind them. The forces of the West were arranged and marched towards the Black Gate. Instead of only a few thousand however, there were many more thousand. The Dead Army was helpful in preserving lives.

Aragorn had the soldiers of Gondor and the soldiers from the ships be towards the front, with the men of Rohan towards the back with the over flow. Aragorn walked in front of all the army and started the weirdest speech ever heard in that land.

"Men of Gondor, Rohan, and Umbar! This is the day when we fight! Today we are fighting for the defeat of Sauron! Today we are fighting for the freedom of Middle Earth! Today we are fighting for revenge on the script writers!" Aragorn yelled. The masses cheered. Aragorn continued. "Today, as the people in the Charge of the Light Brigade are going into a fight, knowing we will probably die, knowing we will probably lose, knowing that it is hopeless! But we shall fight none the less! We shall fight for something greater than ourselves! So, everyone, turn to left, turn to your right, and say good bye to the person there!" The Men of the West and some from the east, did as they were instructed, then Aragorn resumed. "Oaths you have sworn! Fulfill them all! HALF A LEAGUE! HALF A LEAGUE! HALF A LEAGUE ONWARD! INTO THE VALLEY OF DEATH WE SHALL RIDE!"

Suddenly the air was ringing with thousands of men's voices chanting. "Half a league! Half a league! Half a league onward! Into the Valley of Death we shall ride!"

At the end of the word ride, Aragorn rode towards the gate with Gandalf and Pippin, Legolas and Gimli, and Eomer, Theoden, and Boromir. Gandalf shot a bolt of light up into the air and then Aragorn cried, "May the Lord of the Black Land come forth, or we shall come in and fetch him!"

Sauron was not ready. He was still waiting for his eye drops! Those dratted flames were preventing him from seeing much of anything, so he called for that servant he had kept sitting around for countless ages. Not the dead one, the zombie one! What was his name? Sauron couldn't remember. The zombie guy didn't remember, it had been to long since anyone had used it. Sauron decided that he would give him some mysterious creepy name. Thus it was the zombie one was called the Mouth of Sauron.

"Go tell those silly humans outside that I have 40,000 orcs sitting around waiting to fight, and that we caught their little spy, and that he is still alive, but is greatly tortured and disfigured." Sauron commanded.

"Lord Sauron, you only have 5,000 orcs because none ever came back from the siege of Minas Tirith, and we don't have a spy. We don't even have any false proof there was a spy!"

"I know that you stupid mouth piece! Here, show them this, its some old bear fur! Maybe they'll think it was from one of their spies. Tell them Nazgul number 1 pulled it himself!" Sauron yelled. He looked over at a helmet sitting on a table and added, "Put that thing on and go out there. If that doesn't freak them out, then they're stupider than they look! NOW GO!" Sauron commanded.

The Mouth of Sauron put on the helmet, and discovered, it had no eyes. He commanded an orc to take him to his horse and then lead him and horse to the front gate. The orc did so with many grumbles.

The Black Gate opened, and everyone saw the Mouth of Sauron come forth. The Mouth of Sauron gave a wicked smile. It would have made a dentist cringe! His teeth were huge, rotting, and a venomous yellowy/green color. His lips were a strange purple color, and his skin was a rotting whitish purple/green.

"I am the Mouth of Sauron!" he declared. "The Great Lord of Mordor warns you that he has 40,000 orcs ready to fight at this moment. The Dark Lord has captured your puny spy as well."

"You old liar!" Aragorn exclaimed. "Prove it!"

"Very well!" The Mouth of Sauron said. He searched through his robes and found the old bear fur and held it up. "This was pulled off your spy this morning by Nazgul 1 himself! Your weak spy has been tormented for the last three days! He is even now being tortured."

Gimli looked at the bear fur and said, "That isn't hobbit hair! That's bear's fur! Any idiot can see that!"

"Um...um..." the Mouth of Sauron stammered. "It is too! And if you don't surrender right now, and give all your possessions to Sauron, he will unleash his full force and fury upon you!"

"No! We shall never surrender!" Gandalf shouted back. In the meantime, Aragorn had been getting increasing annoyed by the Mouth of Sauron. He was pathetic!

"Just go away! You're a bad liar, your master is a bodiless moron, and you have bad breath!" Aragorn yelled.

The Mouth of Sauron was offended! How dare that Aragorn say he had bad breath!" He put his nose in the air, and rode off towards the Black Gate. He never made it back in however, because the orcs of the gate were a little hard of hearing and thought that he should open the gates right then and tell the head of the army to send out his soldiers as fast as he could. The minute there was a crack in the gate, orcs and trolls poured out. A great troll that was hard of sight knocked the Mouth of Sauron to the ground and killed him first. He thought he was Aragorn. The troll started doing a celebratory dance right then and there, killing many orcs as his club haphazardly swung around.

The five thousand orcs came out of Mordor and a fierce battle ensued. The Men of the West and some from the east got the upper hand immediately.

Meanwhile, Frodo and Sam were walking through the entrance to Mount Doom. Gollum recovered from his blow to the head, sort of, and came slowly crawling up the mountain side behind them. The Frodo and Sam became dizzy with all the swirling smoke and steam and so they crawled to the edge of the path. Gollum caught up to them and knocked Sam on the head. Frodo was approaching the edge. He had no idea Sam was knocked out or that Gollum was behind him. He started to think about the consequences if he kept the Ring. It was starting to take over. Frodo knew that he had to destroy it! Suddenly he heard a sharp hiss!

"Gollum!" Frodo whispered fiercely to himself. He decided to have fun with this. "Oh Gollum! Are you looking for this?" Frodo taunted in a disgustingly sweet voice as he held the Ring by the chain.

"Yessss! Yessss!" Gollum hissed while creeping towards it.

"If you want it, come and get it!" Frodo cried. Gollum gave a flying leap. Before Gollum could have reached the Ring, Frodo threw it into the fires of Mount Doom. Gollum would have screamed "My Precious!" but he hit the lava to fast so it sounded like, "My Prec...!" Frodo didn't look over the edge, instead he turned, brushed his hands off and said, "That was easy!"

He started walking back towards the door and saw Sam lying on the ground. Frodo woke him up just in time to get him out of there before the whole place exploded.

Outside, the battle was raging furiously. The Men of the West and some easterners were winning! Suddenly, the smaller than bluffed forces of Mordor were scared and started running away. They didn't get far however, because when the Ring was destroyed, the tower of Barad-Dur fell and Sauron screamed, "WHERE ARE MY EYE DROPS? NO, THE GROUND IS DUSTY, MY EYE! MY EYE!"

Aragorn and his companions started to panic, how were they to save Frodo? Suddenly, the eagles, which everyone always forgot about, came. They didn't bother stopping to pick up Gandalf, they just flew into Mordor to pick up Frodo and Sam. Exactly one minute after the eagles flew away from Mount Doom, the whole volcano exploded! It destroyed Mordor, if that is possible. The orcs were destroyed by the burning lava and Sauron and all his minions were destroyed.

The eagles sat down Frodo and Sam.

"Thank you!" Gandalf said to the eagles. "We had nearly forgotten about you."

"I know, I know." said the lord of the eagles. "Don't mention it."

Frodo and Sam were really tired, so nobody bothered to wake them. They were carried into the first charter bus to leave and laid down on chairs that were reclined all the way. Everyone got back in their cars and drove back to Minas Tirith.

Everyone was a little reluctant to get back in, I mean, they were covered in grime and orc blood and everything else, until Aragorn informed them that there were plastic covers for the seats. Upon return, they found the city ready for a party. Eowyn, Faramir, and Merry had been busy making sure everyone left behind decorated the city. Where the front gate had been, two guards stood. The arch was covered and flowers, and the whole city was lined with a green garland and flowers. Aragorn got out of his car and got teary eyed.

"Thanks you guys!" He said to Eowyn, Faramir, and Merry who were there to great him. "This place looks great!" He started to cry tears of joy. Eowyn and Faramir, found that they really were in love, regardless of the script. Everyone made their way up to the citadel. They went into the hall, and upon the throne was a blue velvet pillow, with the crown upon it. Aragorn walked up to the throne, and saw that in the middle of the crown, on the pillow, was a note that said, "You can wear this crown, after you've taken a shower, trimmed your beard, and combed your hair. Signed, the Crown of Your Ancestors."

"Har! Har! Very funny." Aragorn said unenthusiastically as he looked at Eowyn and Faramir.

"It wasn't us!" they said in unison.

"It was me!" Merry happily admitted. Aragorn gave him a mean glance, that instantly broke into a big smile, and headed off towards his shower. Legolas was already in his, and once again was cleaner than previously thought possible. He also faintly smelled of apple blossoms, but he denied it.

The next day was the coronation! Everybody was well rested, and everyone was clean! Prince Imrahil and all his men were almost as clean as Legolas. (Prince Imrahil had high standards of cleanliness.) The top of the Citadel was packed with people. Aragorn had the crown placed on his head with all the solemness he could conjure. The people, forgetting about the script rewrite, expected to hear a solemn little song in elvish. Instead, Aragorn decided to sing the same words to a Hobbit drinking song and to do a jig. Everyone looked incredibly shocked. Eomer almost burst out in laughter. Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin were laughing in their sleeves, trying desperately not to be loud. Gandalf just shook his head and smiled. Legolas had flash backs to the dinner party incident and did start laughing out loud! Boromir joined him. Theoden just shook his head. When the song and dance was over Aragorn announced something.

"Today, is not just my coronation day, it is a day of many honors and celebrations! Eomer has been given Rohan by his Uncle Theoden King. Today is the day I tell you all that Faramir is now the Prince of Ithilien, and today is the day we honor the Hobbits! Frodo, Samwise, Merriadoc, Peregrin, come up here!"

The four Hobbits made their way next to King Elessar, or Aragorn. Upon reaching the top, they were all given many gifts. The first one Frodo got was a shirt that said, "I SAVED MIDDLE EARTH AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT!" He held it up and gave a laugh. The fellowship saw it and burst into laughter. Once the Hobbits got their gifts Aragorn told the Fellowship of the Key Rings to come up. Upon their reaching the top they were all rewarded handsomely, and were all given many honors from Gondor and Rohan. The Gondorians noticed that Boromir was there and instantly cheered. Boromir held up his hands to try to get them to be quiet. Once they were he informed them he would be traveling between Minas Tirith and the small village of a cute girl he met at the end of the Anduin River.

The last thing they were given was a complimentary key ring.

"Now Aragorn, you have so graciously given us these marvelous gifts, and now it is our turn to give you a gift." Legolas said. He turned, gave a whistle, and the sound of a motor turning over was heard. The engine was reved, and a path was made. Driving up towards Aragorn was a bright red Enzo Ferrari with a custom license plate that said MINE-KE. Aragorn got it, it meant to say "MINE! -King Elessar". Aragorn's eyes were wide. He looked so car crazy/happy he looked like he was five.

"You guys! It's so... beautiful!" Aragorn cried. He got in the car and sat there for at least five minutes. He was imagining himself driving in Pelennor fields and doing donuts. Aragorn had to get out of the car though, because he did have a country to run.

Later that day, they all adjourned to a great dining hall for huge feast. They were barely into it when a story was asked for.

"The only story I can think of telling," Aragorn said, "Is the dinner party incident. I shall not tell it now, for it is too long and this feast is suppose to be shorter than the one I'm going to through in a few weeks."

"Oh fine!" Merry said. He was the one who had called for a story.

Faramir leaned over to Eowyn. "So, what is a secur...?"

"Oh," she whispered. "A security teddy bear."

"Really? I have one too! Mine is called Mr. Squish Squish." Faramir replied.

"Mine is called Mr. Snuggles." Eowyn replied. They spent the rest of the night comparing their teddy bears.

Merry looked over at them, he was jealous. He liked Eowyn, but resigned himself to the fact that Eowyn liked Faramir, and thought he was a cute Hobbit.

A few weeks later, Arwen, Elrond, her brothers, Galadriel, Celeborn, Glorfindel, Haldir, and various other elves all showed up at Minas Tirith for the wedding of the age. Finally! Aragorn and Arwen were going to be married! Minas Tirith had been made ready for the wedding, and so a very happy Arwen and an extremely happy Aragorn were going to be married. It was going to be a beautiful wedding, and instead of how the script had the White Tree mysteriously start blooming again, Gandalf came holding a potted sapling of the White Tree. The wedding then commenced. Legolas was the best man, and Eowyn was the maid of honor. Why Eowyn, because she didn't try to flirt with Aragorn and she was extremely grateful.

As Elrond was performing the ceremony, Legolas kept whispering things in Aragorn's ear like, "Aragorn and Arwen, sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First came love, now comes marry, soon'll come the baby in the baby carriage!"

Aragorn leaned back slightly and said, "How much did Merry and Pippin pay you to say that?"

"Pay? Nothing! They gave me your diary." Legolas haughtily whispered.

Aragorn's eyes grew wide. He had a look of sheer horror. Ironically it was just about the same time that Elrond was saying, "for the rest of your life" Aragorn stood speechless.

"Say I do!" Elrond whispered.

"Oh, I do!" Aragorn said out loud. A few seconds later Arwen was saying the same.

"I now pronounce you man and wife." Elrond said. "You may now kiss the bride."

Aragorn laid a huge kiss on Arwen. Everyone rejoiced and all the elves visiting Gondor sighed! Finally! After sixty plus years of dating and angst and everything else, these two finally were married! Little did Elrond, Aragorn or Arwen know, but the better part of the elven populous had been going behind their backs and making sure nothing went wrong in Aragorn's rise to the throne of Gondor and that Arwen wouldn't be talked out of it by Elrond. He could be so possessive. Why do you think his twin sons were still single?

After the ceremony, when everyone was walking into the hall to begin the largest feast seen in the last 100 years in Gondor, Aragorn said something to Legolas.

"Give me that diary!" He said while trying to smile.

"Fine!" Legolas said with a devious smile. "Only if you give me something in exchange."

"Name your price." He said while clinching his teeth and trying to smile.

Legolas smiled even bigger and more deviously. "What you won from me during the dinner party incident."

"No, please! I love it!" Aragorn softly cried, losing his smile.

"Yes! That's all I want." Legolas wickedly grinned.

"Fine." Aragorn gloomily agreed.

"Don't look so glum Aragorn! You've just married your girlfriend of 60 years!" Legolas joked.

Aragorn caught back up with Arwen and went smiling into the great feast. The Fellowship was seated next to the newly weds.

"Aragorn! You said you would tell us of the famous dinner party incident! Are you going to now?" Pippin exclaimed.

Legolas looked at Aragorn and smiled. "Yeah, Aragorn! Tell us the tale!" Legolas said trying to imitate a young Hobbit.

"I said I would, so I will. But you must correct me where I'm wrong!" Aragorn said to Legolas.

Thus the telling of the infamous dinner party began.

**To be continued...**

Author's note: Thank you everyone for the encouraging reviews. And you may call me Faer babycharmander! LOL! Half a league! LOL!


	6. The Dinner Party Incident

**LORD OF THE RINGS RETURN OF THE KING**

**The Infamous Dinner Party**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.. not even this fic... hey wait, yes I do! I wrote it!

As the food was being served, Aragorn cleared his throat and began.

"It was, oh let's see... four years ago. I had been invited to a dinner party in Mirkwood by King Thranduil. I gladly accepted the invitation. However, if I had known that Legolas was going to be there I would have declined. Well, a week before the dinner party I left from Rivendell. The trip to Mirkwood was uneventful. I took it as a good omen.

'When I got there, it was a day or two before the dinner party was to begin. It was late, and Thranduil had sent an elf to watch for me and take me to my room. The elf cheerfully met me, and took me to it. I threw my gear on a chair and flung myself on the bed. The minute I hit the bed, it crashed onto the floor. The crash echoed throughout the halls of King Thranduil. I knew that because I heard all the doors on that wing fly open and some elf laughing hysterically.

'Wanting to know who would dare laugh, I flung open my door,'

"With the death glare on his face." Legolas added.

"And looked up and down the hall. The door across the hall and to the left was shut. Legolas! I knew it was him. It was at that moment I knew I would exact my revenge!"

"Yes, the next morning, Aragorn gave me the death glare as I left my room. I foolishly, wasn't concerned. I didn't even become concerned when he started giving me malicious grins. Now, nothing happened that day or the next, but the day of the dinner party... well... let's just say, I was ready.

'The guests started showing up and my father and I took our time to greet each of them. Among our guests were the Lord Glorfindel, the Lord Elrond, and the Lady Arwen. We all were smiling, having a good time socializing, until a servant came to inform us that dinner was ready.

'We made our way casually outside to where the large table was set and all the food was laid. My father was at the head of the table and I was on his right. Glorfindel and Elrond were on his left. Arwen was next to me and across from her father, and Aragorn was seated next to Elrond. Nice and close to his future father-in-law.

'Everyone was standing as my father gave a quick speech thanking all for coming and orated various other niceties. When he finished, he told everyone to be seated. Glorfindel, being the gentle-elf that he was, waited til my father sat down before seating himself. When he did, CRASH! The chair fell to pieces under him. I looked on in horror as this high elf lord sat on the ground. Aragorn looked at me with a mixture of horror and confusion.'"

"I thought Legolas was suppose to be sitting there!" Aragorn said as he took over the telling of the tale. "You can only imagine how horrible I felt! I immediately offered Glorfindel my chair as I waited for another one. Those Mirkwood elves are so slow! I was standing for at least two minutes!"

Legolas gave Aragorn a dirty look. Aragorn rolled his eyes in response.

"Anyway, I received my new chair and sat down. I was thirsty, so I asked for some wine. Legolas passed the bottle to me. I poured some into my glass thinking, 'what could he possibly have done to the wine while the elves were still drinking it?' So I poured a glass, and started talking casually to Arwen."

"Casually, my shampoo! You were falling all over yourself trying to impress her!" Legolas interjected.

"Quiet, Elf-boy! I'm telling this story!" Aragorn snapped.

"So sorry King Elessar! Please continue with your inaccurate retelling of the dinner party incident." Legolas replied with all the insincere reverence he could muster. Another dirty look was shot to Legolas from Aragorn.

"Anyway! I was speaking to Arwen and my mouth was getting dry so I took a drink. It wasn't wine, it was seltzer water!"

Legolas took over again. "Aragorn, not wanting to spew seltzer water on his girlfriend, quickly turned and tried to spew it on the ground. He missed and got Elrond. If you Hobbits think you have seen the Elrond Death glare and Eyebrows of Doom, you are sadly mistaken!" He said while trying to suppress laughter. "Elrond gave such a vicious and deadly look, that even Glorfindel cringed!"

Everyone cringed. They could only imagine how horrible that look must have been.

"He's lucky I didn't get him with the steak knife!" Elrond said, slamming his fist on the table for emphasis. "That was my favorite robe, and it was covered in seltzer water and human spittle!"

Legolas continued, "Aragorn, seeing the horrible look instantly fell on his knees and begged Elrond's forgiveness. Everyone that was anywhere near the fiasco looked at Aragorn and Elrond, wondering if they should intervene should Elrond try to kill the human. All Elrond would say was a fierce "DON'T MENTION IT!"

Aragorn continued with the story. "A while later, when they were bringing out the soup, Legolas asked me to pass him the salt. Little did he know, I had an identical salt shaker filled with sneezing powder."

Legolas took over again. "I put some in my soup and started sneezing horribly. Everyone turned and looked at me."

"I thought the elves were going to fall over from shock!" Aragorn laughed. "And then, then King Thranduil asked for it...and when he put it in his soup he started sneezing. Glorfindel and Elrond looked like they were going to fall over! It was hilarious!" Aragorn was laughing so hard that he couldn't breathe! So Legolas took over again.

"Eventually my father and I stopped sneezing. All was quiet for, oh, fifteen minutes, then Arwen excused herself. Five minutes after she left I signaled an elf to go over to Aragorn and say, 'Lord Aragorn, the Lady Arwen needs you!' My plan was that he would heroically bound out and look stupid when Arwen came back. Well, Aragorn had his plate full of food and over the edge of the table, so when he stood up, it went... everywhere!" Legolas forced out in between laughs as the crowd guffawed. "When his plate flipped, it knocked his wine glass over making his wine spill everywhere! The best part was . . . was . . . that some of it got... on Elrond! A few moments later when Arwen returned, Elrond had Aragorn by the collar and was ready to punch him. Aragorn had a look of horror on his face! I started laughing out loud! I started laughing even harder when Arwen jumped over the table in a single bound and got between them!" Legolas managed to say just before falling off his chair from laughing.

Many at the feast were getting a stitch in their sides from laughter. Aragorn turned his head in disgust. Elrond was even laughing! ELROND WAS LAUGHING! He hadn't laughed in three thousand years! Every elf in the place was cracking up and doubled over. The four Hobbits were literally on the floor rolling with laughter. It was a solid minute before anyone could continue, and when someone could, it was Elrond.

"When Arwen finally convinced me to let Aragorn go, I excused myself to wash the wine out of my robe before it set in. I wasn't getting it out, so I gave it to an elf to have dry cleaned. When I returned, I spotted a mischievous look on Legolas' face, and decided to sit back and watch. I was standing next to a tree and saw Legolas call for more wine. This can't be good, thought I. It wasn't, for Aragorn anyway. When the servant elf came back with the bottle of wine, he passed me and I asked him to show me the bottle. The label said Old Winyards 1296, 'so Bilbo gave King Thranduil some of the Old Winyards and not me!' I thought. But when I smelled the Old Winyards, it smelled to me like Mirkwood Miruvor, one of the most potent drinks this side of the Anduin. 'Hehe! Give it to him.' I said."

Legolas pulled himself together, took a deep breath and continued. "The servant came up to me holding the mislabeled wine bottle, I had seen to the mislabeling, and said, 'Pour Aragorn a glass while he's not looking!' Aragorn was so absorbed in his conversation with Arwen, he didn't notice the elf emptying glass, and filling it with the Miruvor. Well, Aragorn took a big swig of it and instantly became a little tipsy. No one noticed much however, because some other elves had drunk past their fill at this point, and were a little merry themselves. So when Aragorn suggested everybody sing karaoke, there were many people willing to join in. Glorfindel was one of the singers. He sang an, _interesting_ rendition of the theme from _Oklahoma_! (This is when we learned why he wasn't a minstrel.)"

"Don't sugar coat it Legolas!" Elrond chuckled. "He sounded like a dying orc!"

"Yeah, well you're no elven minstrel yourself Elrond!" Glorfindel jokingly replied.

"Anyway," Legolas continued. "After a few songs, Aragorn challenged me to a sing off. The conditions were whoever could sing the loudest, longest, and most obnoxious won, and would be able to pick any one object under three pounds in weight and under thirty dollars in worth. I went first and sang "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt" as off tune as I could and after the thirty-second verse of 'da da da da da da da' I stopped. Aragorn just smiled and started singing some song he called "Heigh Ho! It's Off To Work We Go". He said some dwarf taught it to him. I believed it. It was horrible! I was sunk! Aragorn sang thirty-three verses of it and then every sober elf in Mirkwood jumped on top of him. When he finally shut up, and elf whispered to me, 'That song is so idiotic that it is only worthy of dwarves.' Then Aragorn told me what he wanted."

Aragorn picked up the story at this point, "I want...your pajama bottoms! I told Legolas. He just looked at me with a slight hint of horror on his face. 'Which ones?' asked he. 'Your silky...blue...Kiss Me I'm Elvish! pajama's!' he looked, well . . . horrified as he let out screamed worthy of a woman, 'NOOOOOOO!'"

Legolas butted in, "Aragorn laughed mercilessly as I rummaged through my dresser drawers and threw them at him. It was a sad day. I loved those pajama's. They're so soft and..."

"Legolas! Cut it out!" Aragorn commanded.

"I still want them back!" Legolas said with a serious glare.

"Well, anyway, when I had them safely packed away in my pack, I returned to the feast where everyone was playing Truth or Dare. Before I could sit all the way down, Legolas looked at me and asked 'Truth or dare?' I stared at him blankly, the Miruvor was effecting my comprehension. So before I really knew what they were asking I said, 'TRUTH!' I knew I was in trouble when I saw the grin on Legolas' face. Then he asks, "Does Elrond snore?''

"Lord Elrond was giving Aragorn the death glare." Legolas interjected. "I smiled and waited, I knew what was coming. Aragorn started sweating and Arwen just looked at him with a funny grin. She knew the answer and she knew her father. Aragorn suddenly blurted out 'TRUE!' Elrond gave Aragorn 'the look' and mouthed the words, 'You will NEVER marry my daughter!'"

"And then it was Legolas' turn." Aragorn smiled. "So I asked Legolas, 'truth or dare?' And our wise elf friend here said, 'Dare!'"

"I still can't believe I said that!" Legolas added. "Aragorn stared at me and laughed. I have to admit that my blood froze."

"Legolas sat there looking a little green!" Glorfindel broke in. "Aragorn just smiled as he said quietly, 'Wear your mother's wedding dress!' All the elves, Elrond and myself included, started laughing hysterically. Everyone knew what Legolas' mother's wedding dress looked like. He looked quite depressed and to add insult to injury Aragorn informed him that he wasn't done yet. 'You must wear your mother's wedding dress and sing "You Are My Sunshine" to...Elrond!"

The Hobbits, had gotten back on their chairs and only been giggling, but upon that last sentence, they fell into giggling fits upon the floor. Everyone who was there, besides Legolas, were sitting back and laughing quite hard, remembering the look on the elven princes' face.

"It wasn't that funny!" Legolas sulkily pouted, which caused everyone to laugh even harder.

"Whatever Legolas! It was hilarious!" Glorfindel commented. "Anyway, a few minutes later, he was coming out in a low cut, soft pink gown that had darker pink roses embroidered and beaded onto it. He sashayed up to Elrond who was grinning in anticipation. Ole Thranduil was laughing so hard he was turning purple! So Legolas goes over to Elrond and sings. Before the end of 'sunshine' was out of his mouth Aragorn was shouting, 'Louder you elf! I can't hear you!' He must have turned seven shades of red."

"Then Elrond says to Legolas, "You know, you looked good in that shade of pink!"

Legolas just rolled his eyes as the others burst into laughter. When they finally settled down he picked up the narration.

"Once I returned, everyone thought the fun was over. But they were wrong! It was Aragorn's turn. 'Truth or dare' I asked. 'Dare', he said. I thought, what could top wearing your mom's wedding dress?"

"Then I said, 'Wear a sequined Elvis jump suit and sing 'Are You Lonesome Tonight?' to... Glorfindel then, encore it with it a rousing round of 'You Saw Me Crying In The Chapel'! I think Aragorn looked a little sick. Glorfindel wouldn't know what was going on because he was gone when this all happened. So Aragorn, being a man of honor, dragged himself over to our Costume room, found our one and only Elvis jumpsuit, and came back out to the dinner party. No one thought he would really sing to Glorfindel, I mean, he is a powerful elf lord. Well, by the time Aragorn got back, Glorfindel was back. Aragorn gulped, walked up to Glorfindel and began to sing, 'Are You Lonesome Tonight?'." Legolas started cracking up and barely forced out, "And encored with a round of 'You Saw Me Crying In the Chapel' then... Glorfindel... smacked him!

Everyone roared with laughter. Even the guards were bent over with laughter.

"Please tell me that's all!" Pippin laughed. "I can't handle any more! I'm gonna burst at the seams!"

"Oh, that's all for the dinner part of the dinner party, but that isn't it for the dinner party incident!" Legolas exclaimed. "That night, it was very late, I suddenly heard someone talking in the hall. So I poked my head out the door and saw Elrond walking down the hall in pink pajama's and wearing an eye mask, and mumbling, 'My eyebrows won't stay down! My eyebrows won't stay down!' I couldn't help it, I roared into laughter! Suddenly he turned towards me with the Eyebrows of Doom and said, 'Who dare disturb my slumber!' Not wanting to face the wrath of Elrond, I shut my door.

'A few hours later, I heard a furtive knock on my door. It was Aragorn. He said that I had to come with him and see. So I followed him out to the main hall and there, in the center with a circle of elves around him, Elrond was speaking in his sleep.

'Friends, Romans, Countrymen, Lend me your ears!' He went through the entire speech, and when it was over he bowed and said, 'Thank you', turned around and went to bed amidst the thunderous applause of those assembled there. And that my friends, is the infamous dinner party incident." Legolas concluded.

Everyone in the hall broke into a round of applause.

Author's Note: Thanks, thanks a lot mom for the review! And BC you can call me Faer. Hehehe! I hope this met all of you guys' expectations! If you think this is over, you are wrong! At least one more chapter! Don't keep reviews to yourself! And thank you for all the wonderful reviews I have gotten!


	7. Breaking of the Fellowship

**LORD OF THE RINGS RETURN OF THE KING**

**Breaking of the Fellowship**

Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or anything that is mentioned in any of these stories.

Author's note: I still don't think this is very funny, but the last version was so pathetic that I simply had to rewrite it! I hope this one is substantially funnier.

Well, the infamous dinner party tale had been told. The marvelous wedding feast was over, and everyone was full and sleepy.

The next morning Legolas was up bright and early, knocking on Aragorn's door.

"What do you want!" A cranky deep voice snapped.

"To make you an offer!" Legolas sweetly replied.

"Too late! I'm already married!" came the response.

"Don't be silly Aragorn!"

"I'm Arwen!" The voice replied.

"Oops!" Legolas said quietly. "Well where is Aragorn?"

"He's taking a shower." Arwen replied. "He'll be out in a minute!"

A few minutes later Aragorn came out of his room in a thick bath robe.

"What do you want you elf!" Aragorn crankily asked.

"I want my silky blue Kiss Me I'm Elvish pajama bottoms."

"Well, I don't want to give them to you!" Aragorn smugly replied.

"Remember, I have your diary!" Legolas wickedly grinned.

"Junk! I forgot. Well, just give me a minute I'll go get them."

"Oh no you don't! I'm getting them with you, other wise you might shred them before you give them back!" Legolas replied.

"Oh, fine!" Aragorn sulkily said. He turned and knocked on his door. "Hey Arwen, Legolas is coming in to get his pajama bottoms!"

Legolas heard some low grumblings before she said "Come in!" Legolas went in with Aragorn and got his pajama bottoms, made sure there were no holes in them or anything wrong, and found them as good as when he left them. He happily hugged his pajama bottoms and then handed Aragorn his diary.

"Happy writing!" Legolas cheerily said as he left the room. He skipped down the hall as delighted as could be and went to his room, put on his pajama bottoms, and wore them all day!

For several weeks, the Fellowship hung around Minas Tirith, and enjoyed each other's company. For the first few weeks. During the last one, well, they were down right sick of each other! As all things their stay and the Fellowship had to come to end, and not a moment to soon. During the great rewrite, plans had been made for the ending, thus on the planned day, everyone that had to leave got in their cars and drove to Edoras. At Edoras Faramir and Eowyn were married and Eomer was officially given the throne of Rohan.

"So Theoden King," Merry said, "What are you going to do now that you're retired?"

"Well Merry, I was thinking of buying a house some where in Rohan, and sit around doing things kings don't have time to do."

"Like what?" Merry asked.

"Writing an autobiography, working on my car, fishing, you know." Theoden casually replied.

"Oh, when hobbits retire, they usually sit around smoking pipeweed, drinking ale, and telling stories." Merry explained.

"Merry, that's what we do now!" Pippin said.

"I know Pip!" Merry replied.

"So why do hobbits bother retiring?" Theoden asked.

"So their wives don't hit them with a rolling pin for not doing their work that day." Merry joked.

"I see, I see!" Theoden said with a big grin.

For a day or so the Fellowship hung around Edoras, becoming increasingly annoyed with each other, then left for Isenguard. By the time the Fellowship left Edoras, they were so sick of each other that they wouldn't speak to each other.

The phrase, "I just want to go home!" became the theme song.

Upon reaching Isenguard Gandalf tells the Fellowship that it was absolutely necessary for him to check on Saruman. Grumbles were heard through out the masses. By this time, everyone was staying to themselves.

"Saruman! You old wizard! Get out here!" Gandalf yelled.

"Must I really!" Came the reply. It was indeed Saruman. Apparently the crankiness was spreading. An epidemic!

"Yes! Now get down here!" Saruman sighed quite loud and came out the door.

"What do you want?" he asked like a rebellious teenager.

"To give you one last chance to turn from your wicked ways and be forgiven!"

"I don't want to be forgiven! I want to be evil! I love being evil! I want to die evil!" Saruman replied half crazed.

"I can arrange that!" Grima maliciously said as he stuck Saruman with a knife. The crankiness was an epidemic!

Gandalf just sighed. Stupid Saruman, stupid Grima! "Grima, why did you do that?" Gandalf asked like Grima was a three year old.

"Because Saruman was mean! I don't care how you punish me! He deserved it!" Grima snarled. He was turning to go pout in Isenguard when he slipped, fell, and hit his head on a sharp rock.

"EWWW!" the four hobbits said in chorus. Everyone cringed.

The Fellowship turned away, and left the ring of Isenguard.

"Gandalf," Frodo said. "Should we be worried about everyone being cranky?"

"No, no Frodo. It's not an epidemic really. Everyone is just sick and tired of this fan fic."

"This what?" Frodo asked.

"Fan fic! You know, fan fiction. Remember those script writers? Well they were there because there are fans. Fans of us!" Gandalf explained.

"Fans! Where there are fans that means there are...FAN GIRLS! Gandalf! They can't get to us can they?"

"Well, I don't know." Gandalf replied. Frodo looked horrified! He could deal with psycho Smeagol, he could deal with the Ring, but fangirls? His scary musings were broken off by Aragorn.

"Well you guys," Aragorn said, "It's been fun, but we must go our separate ways." Suddenly the Fellowship was loathe to depart! Funny how those things work out.

"Do we have to?" Sam complained. "When we leave you we won't have a car!"

"That's okay Sam! Rivendell isn't that far away anymore, and you've forgotten about Elrond! He's going back to Rivendell!" Aragorn said.

Suddenly a low rumble was heard.

"Legolas! What do your elf eyes see?" Aragorn called.

The elf rolled his eyes before gazing out. He looked across the field and saw a horrible sight. A large mob was coming down the hill.

"FAN GIRLS!" Legolas screamed.

"NOOOO!" Aragorn, Frodo, Merry, and Pippin cried. Gimli, Sam, and Gandalf had nothing to fear.

Legolas ran over to Treebeard and cried, "Please! Please! Take me to Fangorn!"

"Very well." The old ent said. "Climb up." Legolas made a mad dash up Treebeard, and then the ent started walking to Fangorn. Legolas got safe away.

Aragorn, trying to think of what to do, suddenly remembered his car, jumped in, started the engine, and drove off as fast as he could towards Helm's Deep.

Poor hobbits! They were all screaming like little girls, hugging each other and crying, "What shall we do? What shall we do?" The elves and Gandalf all shouted at once, "GET IN THE BUS!" The hobbits ran like mad into the large elvish charter bus. All the elves got in quickly as well, Fan girls love elves, and drove away.

Soon, everyone was safe on their way to the Rivendell, where they would always be safe and sound. The fan girls made it to Isenguard, and all they found was a mass of tire tracks. Crestfallen, they all turned around and went home.

The Hobbits had been gone for a while, and finally they were home! It had been ages! Well, it seemed like ages. When they got back, they decided to go by the book, which just drove the script writers nuts!

Legolas made it safely home, and was visited frequently by Gimli. Who made it safely home, by the way.

Aragorn and Boromir made it back to Minas Tirith. Boromir decided to disappear from Minas Tirith for a while and date that one girl he found, and eventually married her. Aragorn and Arwen's tale is told else where, so I shan't tell it here.

One more thing before I end, the script writers and director had no choice but to show what they had filmed to the producer. The producer hated it, and told them all they would never work in the movie industry again. They are all currently living in small towns in Nebraska, far away from anywhere movies are shot.

When the peoples of Middle Earth discovered that the great rewrite was successful, shouts of joy were heard across the lands, and an officially holiday was established in Gondor called Rewrite Day.

As one last twist of the knife, so to speak, the Fellowship met once, at the town of Bree, before anyone left, and decided that they should all sail West one day. So, when Gandalf, Galadriel and Elrond left, Frodo did. Many years later Sam, Merry, and Pippin followed with Boromir. Towards the end of Aragorn's days, he, Arwen, Legolas and Gimli all set sail into the West. And thus, The Fellowship of the Key Rings was no longer bound by friendship and love only, but by sight as well. On the shores of Valinor, with consent of Iluvatar and Manwe, they dwelled next to each other for ever, drinking all the miruvor and ale they could stand and smoking all the pipeweed their lungs could handle.

**The End**

Coming soon: **The Forgotten**.


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